


these dreams i have of you (ain't real enough)

by wuanpls



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin, nahyuckyang if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:35:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27536911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wuanpls/pseuds/wuanpls
Summary: Renjun once read that the sensitive suffer more, but they love more and dream more.and Renjun? he had always been a dreamer.(Fate might seem generous but Renjun watches himself become invisible as he waits for the sun to notice his diminishing starlight)
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno
Comments: 10
Kudos: 170
Collections: '00 FIC FEST ROUND TWO





	these dreams i have of you (ain't real enough)

**Author's Note:**

> prompt code #00022
> 
> dear prompter i hope i could do justice to your prompt, i really liked the original idea of the soulmate collection and i swear i didn't choose the prompt just for the food jokes (or did i)

_“Mom, what is a soulmate?”_

_“It’s someone you carry with you forever.”_

Renjun could describe himself as a dreamer, always with that shiny wonder in his eyes. 

The first time he hears about soulmates is when his mom tells him that there is another person in the world who's linked to his life without him even knowing them. Renjun is fascinated, how someone he didn’t know could be connected to him? They could be living a complete life. He gets to know one's soulmate is that someone who could understand you without needing words, not by magic or reading minds, it just works that way, they understand you in a way that nobody else can.

He had seen lots of movies and read a lot of stories about soulmates. It's a hobby at this point really; he fills his mind with the thrill of a magical happily ever after, he thinks about the way soulmates need each other, he was taught that you can only achieve true happiness by being with them. At this, he wonders if it’s true, how you cannot be happy if you are not together, how the feeling depends on being able to be with one and other. 

The soulmate system was just... too weird, and no one questioned it because it was too complicated to understand. The system made it seem as if finding your soulmate was the sole reason you were born for.

All the stories Renjun heard and read were dreamy, if he could call them that, but in this world he is living he got stuck in a soulmate system where the only way you could find your true other half was tasting the things they were tasting, which was… dumbfounding at best? Kinda ridiculous if you ask him. 

At first, when Renjun was younger he firmly believed he didn’t have a soulmate, he couldn’t taste anything that wasn’t what he was eating, yet he couldn’t get out of his mind the first time he experienced heartbreak. 

It was pretty vivid the memory of one day at elementary school when he arrived home that afternoon, fat tears rolling down his chubby cheeks because his classmates told him he didn’t have a special person since he couldn’t taste anything when all of them could at least differentiate flavors except Renjun. Discouraged, he gathered his notebook and sat silently in the living room to do his homework, tears unconsciously spilling out of his eyes. He wiped them down with his sleeves stubbornly. 

His mother used to cut him fruits for his afternoon snack and bring them to him, he remembers them being peaches that day. Renjun liked peaches, the juicy ones, but that day even his favorite part of the evening looked unappealing. 

“What’s wrong my baby? Why are you crying?” his mother sat down next to him running her delicate fingers through his hair.

“Jiang Chen and Xiaoxi found out they are soulmates today.”

“Oh, but that is great sweetie! Why are you sad? Aren’t you happy for your friends?”

“Yes… but I asked Xiaoxi how they knew, and she… she said I should know how,” Renjun sniffed as he kept mumbling softly, “and then Jiangchen said that I must not have a special person and everyone laughed at me.”

His mother embraced him in a sweet and comforting hug, speaking softly with her delicate voice in the way she knew it would soothe his aching heart, and started to relate how one could only start sensing flavors if you were close enough to your fated one. Renjun couldn’t grasp what she meant, turning his teary and confused eyes to her.

“I don’t understand, Ma,”

She only smiled and stroked his chubby and rosy cheeks still slightly dampened by tears.

“Xiaoren, it’s because they’re too far, when they get closer to where you are you will notice right away, there’s no need to worry about it, my little boy.”

Which, in retrospective, wasn’t relieving to him, but at that moment it was enough to appease little Renjun worries. 

“We just have to be near!” Renjun said enthusiastically while beaming as his Mom ran her slender fingers through his hair.

* * *

Renjun's second heartbreak came as he was just about to enter middle school. 

He didn’t know it before but his parents weren’t soulmates, how could he? His parents were what Renjun grew to think what love was. When Renjun's mother was tired of doing household chores his father helped Renjun do his homework and cooked dinner without needing to be asked. When his dad came home exhausted and frustrated from work his mom went to the kitchen and made him tea, silently sitting next to him, sometimes he would catch them holding hands, his frown disappearing as he quietly told her “ _thank you_ ” as they smiled at each other.

In Renjun’s eyes, they were the perfect team, until they weren’t. 

They never talked or mentioned how it happened and he didn’t dare to ask either; one Saturday morning he was holed up in his bedroom, laying down in bed while making doodles in his notebook while trying to come up with ideas for his drawings when his father knocked on his door before entering, throwing a cautious smile at Renjun before sitting on his bed. There was nothing out of the ordinary, he used to come check up on him if he spent too much time on his own, made sure Renjun was okay, and went back to his routine. This time, however, was different. He made Renjun stop doodling and pay attention to him, as he slowly started to explain to him how sometimes things don’t turn out the way we want them to, it might be confusing and painful at the moment but then later it will make sense. Once again he didn’t understand. 

“ _Maybe not now, son, but later in life, when time’s right, you will.”_

He moved out the next weekend. With a promise of bringing Renjun to spend time with him when he was on his school break. His mother didn’t say anything and he didn’t ask, he couldn’t. The thing about heartbreaks when you’re younger it’s that you spend too much time being angry and not knowing why you’re angry which makes you angrier. 

Renjun spent all of his free time being angry at his father for everything he could come up to. He was angry at him because his mom was sad but thought she could hide it from Renjun as she kept smiling and being the gentle loving breeze she used to be for him but he noticed either way, he was angry at him because the aunties next door couldn’t stop gossiping about _them_ , they weren’t even subtle as he could hear their high pitched voices trying to whisper as he walked down the street to his house as he came back from school. He was angry at him because he couldn’t learn how to ride a bike when all the kids in his class met up at the park to ride their bikes together. 

But Renjun was nothing but stubborn, so he learned it by himself. He fell too many times, his knees and hands littered with scratches, which he blamed his Dad for, too. If he was there Renjun wouldn’t have had to wear band-aids as if they were gloves and his classmates wouldn’t have made fun of him for it.

But there was one thing Renjun couldn’t blame his Dad for and it was that in no way he was a negligent father, opposed to it, he was the most loving and understanding father Renjun could ask for, maybe that’s why he and his mother clicked in the first place. Coming from a common ground of giving love without shame, and with it came kindness, tenderness, patience, and overwhelming understanding. 

He understood Renjun rage, gave him space but never stopped calling every day to check on him, which made him angry too but Renjun has been always thought to be respectful so he talked with him every day on the phone, even if it was to give him one-single-word responses, his father never treated him differently as much as he tried to be bitter towards him. 

Ultimately those rash and ill feelings towards his Dad faded away and Renjun, at the tender age of 10 years old could identify why he was angry for so long. 

He was extremely sad. As much as Renjun loved his Mom with all of his heart, he longed for the life they had when his Dad was with them, he longed for his Dad, he missed the smell of coffee in the mornings when his Dad sat at the table reading the newspaper while his Mom made breakfast, he missed the pats on that back as whenever he finished yet another drawing, he missed sitting on the couch staring absently at the TV while his dad watched a soccer game, Renjun wasn’t a fan and his Dad knew it but enjoyed when Renjun sat next to him anyways. 

And he couldn’t help but bawl his eyes out when he came down from the podium after he received his diploma for finishing elementary school when he searched with his eyes nervously through the audience and the chair next to his Mom was left empty. 

He called that night too, and Renjun couldn’t help but cry again. 

_“I promised you didn’t I? This break we will spend it together.”_

That’s how Renjun found himself with a small bag held tight in his hand, unpacking his clothes in a completely different bedroom from his, a different house from where he grew, a different city from where he lived, and a completely different country from where he was from. He wasn’t prepared for a change that drastic because Renjun didn’t know where his father went after he left, not that he didn’t want to but he never dared to ask his Mom, afraid to make her sadder than she already was. They never talked about his Dad much to begin with, in the first place.

Truth was that he wasn’t expecting much from this trip. His Dad remained the same, he still drank coffee in the mornings, he still watched soccer, he still cooked dinner without being asked to but at the same time, it was foreign. It was foreign in the way he didn’t talk about where he went after breakfast, it wasn’t work for sure. But once again, Renjun didn’t dare to ask. His plans for break were the same routine he did as if he was back at home. Wake up, have breakfast with Dad, wash the dishes while his Dad went somewhere he didn't know, go to his room, draw or watch TV, his Dad would be back by lunch, have lunch, go explore the surroundings of the neighborhood, go back to have dinner, shower, and sleep, sometimes, if he felt daring enough he would walk a few more blocks that his Dad allowed him to, what he didn't know could never hurt him.

Renjun kept walking, peeking curiously at every house he passed by that he didn’t see before, taking turns at a few corners that led him to new paths he hasn’t crossed before. It was a pretty and calm neighborhood, he liked how he could see blooming flowers at every front yard he passed by. He had always liked flowers because it made people smile and Renjun always liked to make people smile. His mother's favorites were peonies, his father used to give her a small bouquet every weekend and it never failed to make her beam in excitement. Now he always made sure to bring her flowers but never peonies, Renjun doesn’t want to make her sad so he picks lilies, tulips, and sunflowers and his heart fills in contentment when his mother gives him a kind smile. Little steps. 

Lost in thought, Renjun suddenly stops walking and comes to a halt when he doesn’t recognize where he is, turning around a few times in hopes of remembering a familiar sight. He is lost, and after remembering his Mom he realizes he misses her and wants to cry. 

He bites his lips to prevent himself and walks towards a bench near a park, maybe if he sits down and keeps glancing he could remember his path back to his father’s house. He lowers his head and lets himself sniff, now Renjun is sad and angry at himself for getting lost, that’s why his dad told him not to walk too far!

“Can I sit here?” a sudden voice to his right says, making him look up quickly.

It’s a boy, around his age? Looking at him with big, shiny, and curious eyes, he has a gentle smile. Renjun thinks he looks warm, so he nods his head. The boy quickly takes a seat next to him on the bench and turns his body to him.

“Why are you here alone?” 

Renjun finds himself feeling embarrassed. 

“It’s stupid,” he says, almost in a whisper, “I- I got lost and now I don’t know how to go back home.” Renjun just hopes he doesn’t laugh at him, because that would be even more embarrassing.

“Oh…” The boy mumbles, before something akin to recognition flashes in his big eyes, “You’re Mr. Huang’s son!” smiling and tilting his head as his brown hair follows the movement. 

“H-how did you know?” Something that feels very much like relief washes in Renjun’s chest, maybe he can help him find his way back!

“He talks a lot about you, the first time I met him he said he has a son who’s the same age as me and he hoped one day we could meet!”

Does his Dad talk about him? Here? Renjun tries not to smile too big at the stranger’s words but from the look at the other face, he is failing. 

“What’s your name, Mr. Huang’s son?” Renjun can’t help but giggle at this stranger's antics.

“I’m Renjun.”

“Nice to meet you, I’m Jaemin!” he says happily, giving Renjun one blinding smile, “but since I feel like I already know you, you can call me Nana!”

_Nana_ , it’s soft and warm, just like Jaemin and Renjun finds himself thinking it suits him so he mumbles the nickname and giggles as Jaemin smiles in excitement. They talk, or more like Renjun listens to Jaemin talking, he has a lot of energy and Renjun can’t help but feel a bit dizzy at times, but the other boy doesn’t seem to mind. It feels good, Renjun has never been good at talking with his classmates so he hadn’t made close friends, he never felt lonely but it made him sad when he had no one to play with at break or share his lunchbox. 

Jaemin doesn’t care that Renjun replies with short answers or that he doesn’t talk much, he just keeps repeating that Renjun is cute, which only flusters him, he’s not cute! But he doesn’t want to offend Jaemin so he doesn’t say anything. 

Because of him, Renjun found out his Dad visited Mrs. Park, Jaemin’s neighbor, every morning without fail since he moved out to the city, but did not elaborate further.

_“That’s how I met him, your dad is nice, just like you!”_

Later that evening after Jaemin dropped him off at his doorstep with a beaming smile while waving him goodbye. Renjun realized he wasn’t as lost as he thought, he was in the street behind his father’s house which he never went to before, Renjun wondered if it was okay for him to ask? Or if his Dad would tell him? Maybe he should wait? But what if his Dad waited too long to tell him? He would go back home without knowing.

“Dad... today… I made a friend,” Renjun mumbles shyly, he is almost afraid to call him a friend but he can’t help but wish with all his heart to be true. 

“Really?” There was a surprised tone in the elder voice since he knew more than anyone that Renjun wasn’t the most social kid out there, Renjun hums.

“His name is Jaemin.” 

He nods and his eyes are trained at Renjun, encouraging him to continue, but it looks like he was expecting it to happen, maybe because it was inevitable in such a small neighborhood. 

“He was nice… he told me he knew you because you visit his neighbor every day.”

The elder can only nod and let out a soft sigh as if he already knows what Renjun is hinting at but gives no further comment making Renjun squirm nervously in his seat, wriggling his hands before deciding to give it a try. 

“Dad, are you happy?” Renjun timidly asked, fearing his father's answer.

Because to him if he said yes it only meant his dad never liked living with them, it couldn’t be his Mom’s fault. In Renjun’s eyes, she was pretty, sweet, kind… she was perfect, so if it wasn’t because of her, maybe it was because of him? Renjun always did his best to be on his best behavior, he did his homework every day and had good grades, even his teachers praised him! So it couldn’t be because of that, right? Maybe it was because Renjun didn’t like sports? His Dad liked sports. Maybe if Renjun had joined a team his Dad wouldn’t have left? 

He heard his father sigh which made him bite his lower lip in fear.

“Son, I’ve always been happy, your mother and you, always made me happy.”

Renjun frowned at his father's response, was he lying? It couldn’t be, his Dad never lied! But again, Renjun never thought he would leave either.

“But why…”

“Right now Renjun, you are young and there are things you don’t understand but later on, you will,” his father stretched out his hand to ruffle Renjun’s hair, “I was happy, but now I am at peace.” 

The rest of the break things don't do the sudden 180-degree change one used to watch in movies, for Renjun it comes as a gradual change, and with his usual routine, it takes him a bit to get used to it but he comes to enjoy it.

Breakfast is shared with his Dad, coming out of the room he's staying in, Renjun can’t bring himself to say it's _his_ , finding him reading the newspaper, the first times it brought him a pang of nostalgia remember on how it _used_ to be and Renjun still sometimes catches his eyes roaming the kitchen trying to find his mother, he tries not to reproach himself. But it also brings him a sense of normalcy, eating his favorite cereal next to his dad silently, with the occasional inquiry about what he planned to do during the day.

The response was always the same. 

Another routine he adapted in his everyday life was meeting with Jaemin. _Nana_.

His first genuine friend, who didn't make fun of him for having separated parents. Who didn't mind Renjun's shy personality, having as much patience with him as a kid of their age could only hope to have. Who smiled brightly dragging him to places he assured Renjun _needed to know, come on! It will be fun!_ His smile sunny, so contagious Renjun couldn't help but return. 

Every day he gave himself the task to open up to Jaemin, and his little heart only filled with warmth as Jaemin's eyes shone with curiosity and a smile as bright as Renjun told him about his life back home. About how he loved flowers and gave his mom one every day, about how he liked reading more than playing soccer but still sat with his Dad in evenings to watch it on TV. 

Jaemin, sweet Jaemin, who looked upset the first time Renjun shared how he didn't have friends back home since he had been in school with the same kids since preschool and though they weren't mean to Renjun, they weren't close to him either. _But why?! You’re so wonderful Renjunnie!_ making Renjun’s cheeks turn bright red but a small smile hanging on his lips.

And days went by, more quickly than Renjun would've liked. It was funny, how he was a bit reluctant at first but now he craved for days to go slower. 

Renjun doesn't meet Mrs. Park, his dad doesn't bring it up either, which Renjun is immensely grateful for, he knows his Dad knows it too. He doesn't think he's ready for that yet, and even when Renjun was still hurting inside he didn't want to be rude to her, didn't want to give a bad impression; but it also felt like betraying his Mom, his kind mother who never said anything but chose to hurt in silence, Renjun could see it in her eyes. But if there's one thing his mother taught him was to be understanding, and _Xiaoren, always remember to be kind to people, you don't know what they are going through_. 

Renjun doesn’t think he could be as kind as her, a tinge of anger still dormant in him, but he is against disappointing her, so he felt immense relief when no one brought it up.

Maybe someday. 

On his last day before he had to return, he was sitting on the swings with Jaemin at the park where they first met when he embarrassingly got lost, eating their ice-creams when a strong flavor of chocolate invades his tasting buds, confusingly he takes a look at his ice-cream, its lemon flavor, fresh, fruity and slightly bitter, lemon wasn't supposed to taste rich nor sweet. He stops eating and keeps staring at the melting sweet on his hand, making Jaemin turn to him curiously but not saying anything before it clicks. 

His soulmate.

Renjun doesn't register all the feelings life just threw his way, he's dumbfounded and keeps staring at the sticky mess on his hands before a wide grin invades his face, jumping enthusiastically and looking at Jaemin who's staring back at him with a tilted head, wondering, the question on the air without needing to be asked. Renjun confided in him how insecure he felt for not tasting anything different, how left out he felt and Jaemin silently hugged him, making him tear up before bringing laughter to him as he muttered bitterly _but at least your soulmate doesn't make you suffer eating strawberry yogurt_. 

Now Renjun can only nod his head rapidly, giggling gleefully before he’s met with the same wide bright smile and a pair of arms hugging him so tightly and a few variety of excited screeches that only makes him giggle even more and his cheeks hurts from how much he's smiling.

Renjun has a soulmate. After losing specks of hope as months went by, after all the time he spent hurting while thinking about soulmates bonds that broke special bonds, after some nights crying thinking that maybe since his parents had him without being soulmates he was born defective, after thinking that he didn't deserve one. 

After all this time, Renjun did have one, one person that was made for him. For Renjun only. 

He felt his body vibrate in nervousness but excitement, his special person. His.

Renjun could only think about how he said to himself that after meeting Jaemin nothing could top the feeling of happiness in his heart, but this, the simplicity of just having to taste the sweetness in his mouth contrasting the bitterness, to others it could be annoying at how weird the taste is, but to him, it was all he wanted, his little heart jumping excitedly in his chest as he keeps laughing and giggling with Jaemin, it could only get better from now on. 

It made sense that after spending all their high school years together, graduating, and by some kind of divine intervention landing on the same college to move in together as well. Jaemin chose photography as his major after pondering for quite some time, his first choice was going to med school but ultimately decided to change his mind, as for Renjun he went for an art major, it wasn’t really surprising for anyone.

At first, they considered renting out an apartment near campus but Jaemin convinced Renjun to try the full freshman college experience and live in the dorms and then maybe think about moving out of dorms later on, Renjun silently thanking every god for making Jaemin his roommate. 

After his mother and grandmother decided it was better for Renjun to move in with his dad for his high school education, Renjun found himself being helped by Jaemin to come out of his shy shelf, with Jaemin’s help his inner self bloomed, being more open, outspoken and extroverted, but he still didn’t think that rooming with a stranger out of nowhere would do good to his nerves especially during his first year in university. 

Renjun arrived at their shared dorm room first, Jaemin furiously texting him about how he got stuck grabbing some last-minute groceries he insisted were extremely necessary. Their dorm was neither small nor big, they got lucky and got the two-bedroom dorm, which didn't happen often so they were happy about it. 

Renjun started organizing his belongings in one of the bedrooms, he didn’t bring much things in the first place, appreciating having his space neat, organized yet cozy. Deciding to decorate the walls with some photographs, and then some fairy-lights dancing across the walls, he stood in the middle of the room observing his work and deeming it satisfactory for now he jumped on the bed to take a short nap waiting for Jaemin to arrive.

Renjun wakes up to the sound of voices, he opens his eyes taking a look around a bit disoriented until he remembers he's not in his house but his new room, softly rubbing his eyes he stands up from the bed now hearing more clearly the muffled sound of voices and giggles, Jaemin must've had arrived not too long ago but he doesn't recognize the others so he steps out of his room and makes his way to the living room.

He finds Jaemin engaged in an enthusiastic conversation with two people, talking animatedly which makes him not notice Renjun standing behind him until he let out a soft cough, making the younger turn around and quickly replace his startled expression with a wide smile.

"Renjun! Did you just wake up? Were we being too loud?" Jaemin manages to sound apologetic.

"Yeah, and no, it's okay, I was just waiting for you," Renjun says softly, his gaze falling onto two guys, who seem to be peeking curiously over Jaemin's back. He blinks and his gaze goes back and forth between them and Jaemin until the younger remembers they're not alone and quickly introduces them

"They’re our neighbors! We met at the grocery shop and found out we live next to each other," he wiggles his eyebrows to Renjun before turning to their guests.

"Donghyuck is here," says the shorter one, in a melodic tone, Renjun gives him a small smile greeting him, he has an energetic and mischievous aura surrounding him, cheeks round giving him a cute look, and honey brown mid-length hair, it suits him. He also notices how he is throwing curious glances between him and Jaemin but before he could make any of it, his companion intervenes

"My name’s Jeno, nice to meet you," and the first thing Renjun notices it’s the deep voice that doesn't seem to match with the sweet pair of smiling eyes looking at him, he is slightly taller than Donghyuck, with sharp cheekbones and overall intimidating aura but it melts as his eyes turn into half-moons, he couldn't help but find it incredibly endearing and somehow it makes his cheeks warm, returning the greeting.

"We're all the same age, so be comfortable with our neighbors Renjunnie." Jaemin makes sure to embarrass Renjun even more, coming up to pinch his cheek and giggling like the little shit he sometimes can be, Renjun can only roll his eyes. 

"Do you guys want to stay for dinner?" he offers, might as well try to get to know them before classes start, Donghyuck and Jeno look at each other.

"We would love to but we haven't finished tidying up our dorm, maybe next time?" Jeno says in an apologetic tone, eyes round and shiny and Renjun swears at how this guy can be both cute and intimidating at the same time.

"For sure! Just let us know, you're welcome any time to our humble abode." Jaemin says theatrically, making both of them chuckle as they make their way out, waving goodbye at Renjun and then thanking Jaemin for inviting them to their dorm for a bit. Jaemin makes sure to reassure them they can come any time and hopes to see them on campus soon before closing the door and skipping back quickly towards the living room where Renjun is now sitting on the floor

"Well?" Jaemin is wriggling his eyebrows again and Renjun groans.

"What?"

"What did you think of our neighbors?" He is still wearing that suspicious smile and he knows exactly what Jaemin is asking him, but he doesn't plan on feeding to his best friend's antics.

"They seem... nice." 

"Come on! Renjun!" Jaemin whines, Renjun only rolls his eyes and pinches Jaemin's side walking towards the kitchen to prepare them dinner. 

He ponders on Jaemin questions just to humor him, even if he was just in his mind, and strangely the first thing he can think of is a sharp jawline and a cute eye smile, objectively speaking of course. Renjun has half the mind to wonder why he got caught up on that but is quick to dissipate the thought as Jaemin starts asking him to help him decorate his room later. 

The weekend flies by, suddenly it's Monday morning and the start of the semester, to say Renjun felt nervous was an understatement, a new chapter entering his young adult where he had to maintain his academic life afloat without neglecting his own wellbeing. He woke up extra early to make sure he didn't sleep in, fast walking towards his first class anxiously immersed in his thoughts, Renjun didn’t notice his surroundings and bumped into something quite harshly, the notebook in his arms flying down the floor.

"Oh, I’m sorry! Are you okay?" figuring out he bumped into someone, who was now bending down to pick up Renjun’s notebook.

"Yes, I’m sorry I wasn’t watching where I was looking."

"No worries," the stranger stood up and that's when Renjun recognized him, "oh, Renjun it’s you, hi! Going to your first class this early?" the sweet eye smile present in the face of his neighbor, Jeno. 

"Hey, yes, I actually skipped orientation week so I’m not really sure where I’m supposed to go," he revealed shyly. 

"Is that so? Let me look at your schedule," Renjun handed him the paper where he wrote down all of his classes, Jeno quickly scanning it, "ah, I know, let me walk you to your class.”

"Oh don’t trouble yourself, you can tell me where it is. I'm not that bad at directions," Renjun replied quickly, making Jeno let out an amused chuckle while shaking his head.

"It’s not trouble, come on, I'm offering, consider it as me trying to compensate for turning down your generous offer for dinner."

Jeno was looking at Renjun with wide, shiny eyes, and was that a pout? He couldn't help to think the other looked like a puppy and he shouldn't find it so endearing, despite having a fierce aura Jeno could do a 180 and have a really cute attitude, Renjun realized.

"Ugh, okay if you insist." Renjun conceded, who could blame him? He was a weak man! 

Jeno grinned at him and made a movement with his hand to make Renjun follow him. During their walk Jeno told him a bit about himself, he didn’t live that far from the city, probably half an hour away from campus but decided it was better to move to the dorms so he didn’t have to wake up extra early to commute to college and that he was super relieved that his roommate was Donghyuck. They were best friends and knew each other from high school, which reminded him of Jaemin and himself, but Donghyuck was a prankster who fooled Jeno into believing he was going to college abroad, surprising him on orientation week when they roomed together. _I felt so betrayed! I made him a goodbye party and all!_

Donghyuck was a musical theater student while Jeno was an architectural designer, Renjun let out a surprised squeak.

"What? Don’t I look like I can major in architecture?" Jeno asked, fake offended.

"No, it’s just... ugh, Math?" scrunching his nose in distaste, "You must be a smart cookie." he teased the other.

"You bet, I am," he huffed amusingly, "In what do you major in, then? Mister-I-don’t-like-Math?"

"Fine Arts,"

Jeno let out a low whistle, "An artsy and creative cookie."

"That doesn't even make sense, Jeno."

"It does!"

They continue to tease each other and Renjun finds himself surprised at how comfortable and at ease he feels with Jeno despite actually having a more than one-minute conversation today, and when they stop walking is when Renjun notices they already reached the classroom, still filling with students.

"This is your stop."

"Thank you for walking me to class," he offers Jeno a wide grin.

"How could I leave you in distress?" 

"What a gentleman," Renjun rolls his eyes before softly pushing Jeno's arm.

"Hey, give me your phone," Renjun hands his phone to the black-haired boy, watching him play with it for a bit before returning it, "If you need anything text me, I saved my number and rang my phone to save yours."

"Real smooth, Lee Jeno." Jeno winks at him playfully and Renjun could feel his cheeks warming at how effortlessly attractive it made him look, brushing it off as he groaned to tease the other before walking inside his classroom as Jeno made way to his own classroom.

All the back seats were almost all occupied already so Renjun scanned the classroom to find a row that wasn't that far away from the board, his eyesight wasn't bad per se, but he didn't want to strain his eyes that much, he found an empty seat in the middle row, next to it was a girl with very long and dark hair that really stood out due to how fair her complexion was, she seemed distracted as she was doodling on her notebook without paying attention much to her surroundings, Renjun deemed it safe to take it and sat down on the seat, taking out his notebook, a blue pen, and his iPad.

"First day and already snatching up hotties?"

Renjun turns to his right at the sound of the voice and catches the girl next to him smirking at him

"Or is it the hottie snatching you up, you're cute though, I don't blame him,"

"I-"

"Don’t look so scandalized! I’m kidding, it's just an icebreaker!" she giggles and this time offers him a soft smile which prompts Renjun to laugh.

"He wishes," he jokes back, "Renjun here."

"Gahyeon," she smiles before tucking one strand of hair behind her ear, "I didn't see you during orientation though?"

Before Renjun could answer, their teacher arrived at the classroom and made his way to the stand, taking out some papers and calling out the attendance, he turned to Gahyeon and mouths _I’ll explain later_ , she smiles and nods, both of them turning now to pay attention to the lecture. 

The rest of his classes go pretty uneventful, he finds he shares almost all of his classes with Gahyeon, which makes him happy since she seems a nice companion, very witty and fun to be around, the only class they don't share is foreign languages but he only takes that subject on Fridays.

He goes through his day easily, even arriving at his dorm room earlier than he thought, finding Jaemin already cooking something that for the smell and looks of it will be very good. Both of them knew how to cook, but Jaemin undoubtedly was the better cook in between them. After Jaemin finishes their meal, they sit down to eat and share how their first day went, Jaemin happily recounting to Renjun how he got lost on campus because same as Renjun, he didn’t attend orientation week, but that later he found his professor and he was the one to help Jaemin out, then he mentions he shares a mandatory class with Donghyuck which makes Renjun remember meeting Jeno earlier, telling Jaemin how their neighbor was kind enough to walk him to his class.

(“He’s hot and also kind?” Jaemin sighs dreamily, “where do I sign?”

“You can’t buy him, you’re broke.”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t try!”)

In the middle of the week, Renjun receives the news that his cousin, Yangyang, it's attending his college too, but it's set to arrive the following week due to conflicting schedules and documents he had to submit at the last minute. It’s been quite a while since he saw Yangyang, maybe two years ago? When he went to spend holidays with his mom in China and it synced with the Liu’s visit to the motherland.

They had kept in contact through all these years but it makes Renjun quite content to have his same-age cousin attend the same university as him, maybe not the same department. 

Friday arrives fast and it turns out he shares his elective course with none other than Jeno, which approaches him as soon as the class finishes and their professor leaves the classroom. Jeno looks anything but pleased to be here but Renjun finds out it's because Jeno is not really good at mandarin.

"It shouldn't be allowed for a native speaker to take this elective," Jeno whines

"What they don't know doesn't hurt them." Renjun cheekily replies.

"Tutor me," Jeno says chirpily. 

"I’m sorry, what?"

"Please Renjun, if not I’m pretty sure I’m going to fail this elective," Jeno's eyes are wide and shiny, and if he could have a tail Renjun is sure it would be down with how pitiful Jeno is making himself look. Renjun hates puppy eyes and how weak he is to them.

"What is in it for me?" he asks reluctantly and Jeno only smiles widely, showing him that pretty eye smile that for some reason Renjun can't forget, he thinks he might be going crazy.

"I’ll buy you any food you want in all of our tutoring lessons."

"You got yourself a deal."

Schoolwork and routine pick up quickly as the first week of class ends, Renjun gets used to it with more ease than he thought he could, it also helps that he got close with Gahyeon surprisingly, she's older than Renjun just for a year, she took a sabbatical year abroad and that's why she was a freshman this year.

Jaemin and him make a habit to pick each other up after their last classes and normally Jaemin would blab his day to him, just for the familiarity of it. it happens a lot, and after the first two weeks, Gahyeon gets curious, deeming their friendship close enough to start inquiring Renjun about his love life, or lack of it.

“You seem to attract all the handsome guys, hm?” she wiggles her eyebrows. 

“If you’re talking about Jaemin, don’t,” he snorts unattractively, “We’re almost family, been friends since middle school.” 

“Mhm, could’ve fooled anyone,” she pouts as if the knowledge of his actual relationship with Jaemin pains her before her eyes sparkle with mischief again, “what about the mysterious guy of the first day?” 

He only shakes his head and laughs. Jeno and he started texting each other since they exchanged numbers but haven’t met aside from two more times where they saw each other at their shared class. Jeno is funny, in his own endearing way, and he sends Renjun cute cat videos every day, mentioning once or twice about his cats back at home, which automatically puts him in Renjun good books. 

Renjun sends him funny memes and more often than not he nags when Jeno doesn’t get them and asks him to explain. _It takes away the fun when I explain it Jeno!_ Sometimes they call each other through facetime, mostly Jeno calling Renjun vibrating with enthusiasm to show him things he found on his way back after his classes that reminded him of Renjun. And all those times he catches himself sporting a blush but feeling fond at the thoughtfulness. 

They agreed to study at Jeno’s place for their first tutoring session after their class, as their teacher already started sending them assignments. Jeno assures Renjun he has advanced a lot but still needs help. 

That’s how he finds himself groaning exasperatedly as he once again corrects Jeno on a phrase for the tenth time. 

“Not this again, Jeno, its **vitality** , not to be angry which is what you’re making me!” 

“It’s not my fault it sounds the same,” the younger whines as he flops on the floor and nudges Renjun’s leg, “Be patient and understanding with me, Renjun.”

“Believe me, I am, I’m this close to strangling you.” 

A loud cackle can be heard and makes both of them turn their attention to the sound

“I didn’t know your study dates were this kinky,” and there it was Donghyuck, a smirk plastered on his face. Jeno just flips him off.

Renjun has practically gotten to know Donghyuck better through Jeno, and unexpectedly through Jaemin too, their shared class made them close, and somehow they have a really strange friendship where they just live to annoy each other. Renjun gets dragged to their antics most of the time to take a side in their quarreling.

What he doesn’t expect is to be met with the sight of his cousin, who had sneakily refused to meet Renjun for the last couple of weeks just to get on his nerves, hanging on Donghyuck with a wide grin on his face before barreling towards him and squish him in a tight hug. 

“Renjunnie! Finally, I get to see your pretty face!” he pinches Renjun cheeks and coos, “look at those cheeks, you just keep getting cuter and cuter every year!” 

Yangyang keeps fusing over his face as Donghyuck snickers in the background and Jeno just looks like a confused puppy. Public display of affection makes Renjun flush in embarrassment until he groans and pushes the latter away from him.

“Be gone, Demon!” 

Yangyang has the audacity to pout, “You’re breaking my heart, my only cousin is rejecting my love!” 

“We literally have 3 more cousins.” Renjun deadpans.

“My only good cousin!” he smiles brightly, “Anyways, how’s Jaemin? The love of my life that you took away from me.” 

"You can ask him yourself next time you see him.”

"Anyway, Yangyang and I will be in my room playing pubg, please hesitate to disturb us.” Donghyuck announces before grabbing Yangyang's arm and disappearing behind the brown door to his room.

Renjun runs his hand through his hair fixing the mess his cousin made as he was manhandling him before turning to Jeno, who's looking at him with an unreadable gaze.

"Are you and Jaemin..." Jeno trails off not finishing his question.

Renjun tilts his head in confusion at the sudden interrogation, before bursting out laughing at the implication, he supposes the way Yangyang referred to Jaemin and himself could be misleading.

"We’re not together if that's what you're wondering," Renjun scrunches his nose, "Also, ew, we're like brothers, you're the second person to ask me this. I’m starting to get traumatized.”

Something passes through Jeno’s eyes but it’s gone before Renjun can try to guess what it was.

“Anyway, vitality.”

Jeno groans and Renjun promptly forgets the subject was even brought up.

* * *

It doesn't come as a surprise to Renjun that Jeno gets better at mandarin, at least good enough to pass their elective, it didn't take too much effort for him to catch on, he's focused and pretty serious when it comes to studying. they take turns in the place for their tutoring sessions, but lately, they have been studying most of the time in Renjun and Jaemin's dorm, he doesn't complain since it's easier and comfier for him, but he seems to take note of Jaemin’s constant presence in their lessons nowadays, interested peaked in mandarin out of nowhere when he has known Renjun for the last 9 years of his life and not tried to learn further than what's necessary to greet Renjun's mom during holidays and establish a basic conversation. 

If anything, Renjun's mom learned more Korean to gossip away with Jaemin about Renjun's life. He finds it weird but doesn't mention it. 

They’re taking a break from their lesson, Jeno quickly searching for a movie to watch, Jaemin and Renjun had their movie marathons at least once a week, or once every two weeks if they found themselves too busy, it was something they used to do back at home and continued to do now. 

Now they get more people joining their marathons, Donghyuck it's one of them, but he usually turns it into a videogame night with Jaemin and Renjun checks himself out. Jeno is also joining their movie nights, but also starts a new routine with Jaemin as soon as he knows about Jaemin athletic tendencies, now syncing up their workout hours and going out for bike strolls, they tried inviting Renjun once but he only managed to bike 1km before getting distracted and falling off his bike, it's safe to say he never accompanied them ever again. 

"Hey, Jun, I realized I never bought you a meal, are you up for pizza?"

"I’m always up for a free meal, come on Lee Jeno, pay me for my labor."

Jeno glares at him playfully before quickly calling for delivery, and Renjun sets down their living room. They decide to start watching a documentary as they wait for the food, they’re discussing about how incredibly outraging is the way a girl so young can be abducted not only once but twice, under her very own parents presence without them suspecting anything, and also how completely inappropriate the whole attitude of the parents were when their takeout arrives, Jeno offers to get it, Renjun moves the laptop away to make room as Jeno puts down the pizza box in between them.

Jeno doesn't wait before opening the box and taking out a slice meanwhile Renjun nags to at least wait for him to take the first slice since it was a reward for his hard-earned hours as Jeno's teacher, the younger just laughs and starts eating with gusto, Renjun is still trying to find the napkins when he gets the distinct taste of fatty and rich cheese combined with the sweet sauce on his mouth, making him stop in his tracks. He hasn’t even gotten the first slice much less taken a bite of the pizza, his mind swirling making him dizzy, heart beating fast and hard against his chest, it's too well-timed to be a coincidence and to Renjun, it could only mean one thing.

He dares to lift his head, and there it is, Jeno in all his glory munching distractedly on another slice of pizza while scrolling through his phone, Renjun tasting every bite he takes and having an internal epiphany while motherfucking Jeno is there stuffing his face, it's so dumb that Renjun wants to laugh but all he gets its a squeak that caught Jeno's attention, noticing Renjun is just there staring at him like a moron.

"Aren’t you going to eat? You were literally nagging at me two seconds ago for not waiting for you." he wonders with his cheeks all puffy.

It's like his whole system reboots, and Renjun nods quite numbly before taking a slice himself, Jeno furrows his eyebrows but doesn't mention anything at Renjun's weird behavior and goes back to his phone.

Renjun waits for Jeno to take another bite before starting to eat himself, he doesn't know why he's so scared of this revelation since he has been waiting earnestly since middle school, but the thought of confronting Jeno makes his hand sweat in anxiety. He doesn't even know why, it's Jeno. 

The same puppy-like Jeno he has been gotten close to these past weeks, the same Jeno who texts him random facts about aliens because he knows Renjun likes it, the same Jeno who sends him pictures of his cats, the same Jeno who doesn't reply to his texts because he forgets but then calls Renjun sixty times to ask him the same thing over and over again.

The same Jeno who makes Renjun blush like a schoolgirl. The same Jeno who makes his heart beat erratically when he seeks to hold his hand because that seems to be Jeno's way of showing his undivided attention.

Renjun realizes it's not as simple as just Jeno. 

He swallows and continues eating hyper-aware of not getting caught.

It's Jaemin's turn to do grocery shopping hence why Renjun was alone in their dorm, lying on the floor and stuffing himself with the last package of gummy bears as he watched a new murder documentary on Netflix, wondering how a man can be that stupid to submit himself to polygraph test knowing damn well they were guilty and there was no way he could pass the test.

Also, how the authorities didn't question further the affair the man had due to how suspicious that woman was, she didn't even bother to fake care about how horrible the crime was!

Renjun is so concentrated on the resolution of the case and what will be the sentence that he almost missed the knocks at the door, at first thinking it was nothing but then hearing two consistent knocks again, groaning as he stands up and walks towards the door as he continues to eat the gummy bears, maybe Jaemin forgot their door code again. Without much thought, he opens the door. 

"I hope you got the right Haribo gummy bears, last time you got the sour ones and this is my last package," Renjun says, still munching distractedly without looking and turning again to go back lay down.

He finds strange that Jaemin hasn't said anything and turns around to check and that's when he feels his body freeze, because standing at the door with a disconcerted look is Jeno, looking at Renjun like he had seen a ghost. _Shit._

it has been 15 minutes since Jeno arrived at his door and it's now sitting in front of Renjun without saying anything, just changing his look from disconcerted to disbelief twisting his mouth, eyes suddenly on Renjun and then staring into space but staying silent, Renjun wants to throw up from just the anxiousness of not knowing what is going through Jeno's mind, unable to sit still.

It feels like ages when Jeno decides to put him out of his misery.

"I- since when you knew?" 

The older doesn't know what to take from that.

"A few days, almost two weeks ago," he voices softly, chewing on his bottom lip. Jeno nods silently and tilts his head pressing his lips together, another beat of silence passes and Jeno lets out a soft sigh before fixing his gaze on Renjun. 

"Look, Jun, it's not that I’m displeased with it, I just don't know what to say, I didn't expect it at all."

Renjun could name a few things that he thought his soulmate would say to him when they realized their connection but he is sure the way Jeno looks like he rather be anywhere but in Renjun’s presence is very telling of how he actually feels. Maybe the word would be dissatisfied, reluctant, completely disappointed. He feels even worse thinking about it, Renjun slumps his shoulders in dejection and avoids looking into Jeno’s eyes. It only seems to spur him further to explain nervously.

"Don’t take it the wrong way, I’m happy it's you!" Jeno seems panicked to seemingly having offended Renjun, he almost feels bad for the younger, "you're amazing, one of the best people I have ever met and so special,"

To Renjun, it only sounds like a load of empty words just to let him down gently later.

“But,” 

“You like Jaemin” he states firmly, already wanting this to be over.

Jeno’s eyes widened in surprise, his mouth going in an ‘o’ shape, Renjun reproached himself for finding it adorable, as everything related to Jeno honestly. 

“How did you—“ 

“I’m an observant person,” Renjun shrugged his shoulders as an explanation, _especially the person I care about_ was left unsaid. It wasn't even hard to notice the attraction between them when they made it so obvious for everyone to see. 

Since the first time they met, Jaemin felt attracted to the black-haired boy, and Jeno seemed to have grown a crush on his best friend just as much. At first, he didn’t want to admit to himself that it was happening since as days went by the pull he felt towards Jeno was unquestionable, even when he tried to ignore it since he had always been set on finding his soulmate and not get side-tracked by fleeting crushes, but Jeno made it so hard with his kind actions, sweet words and the way he treated Renjun it made him think he also felt the same pull. 

When he realized that Jeno was his actual soulmate, he didn’t know how to feel. Elated, excited, nervous, in awe, and to him all the attraction he felt just made sense. It was Jeno, all this time it was him. 

But he couldn’t help the conflicted feelings he grew every time he noticed the way Jaemin and Jeno looked at each other, the sparks were there, the secretive smiles they shared, the extra flirty remarks Jaemin made sure to make Jeno flustered, and how touchy Jeno could be towards Jaemin. Not that Jeno wasn’t a touchy person in the first place, but when his subtle touches were directed at his best friend, it held a different intention. 

It brought him a bittersweet taste.

Jeno swayed from side to side, rubbing his hands and looking rather uncomfortable at the situation at hand, Renjun threw a look at the jellies left in the bag in total distaste, and he couldn’t even fault at the unsuspecting candies but just looking at them it made his stomach swirl. He took a last gaze at Jeno, he looked anything but thrilled to find out Renjun was the one who’s supposedly fated to him, it made his heart pang in hurt, and was left with no choice. 

“It’s okay, don’t look so conflicted,” Renjun spoke softly, attracting Jeno's attention, “I’m not going to interfere.”

“What?” the younger one sounded confused.

“I said,” Renjun willed his voice not to shake, “I’m not going to interfere, I know who you like and it's okay, I don’t mind.”

Renjun prided himself in being an honest person, but right now he knew he couldn’t bring himself to say what really resided in his yearning self, lying through his teeth and willing to sound nonchalant as he discarded the idea of being together with Jeno, his soulmate, as more than platonic soulmates, as he had always envisioned in his idealistic mind and heart. It wasn’t even just the thought of having that someone for himself, but having Jeno as his person. At the back of his mind, even when he tried to deny it, he knew he liked him, he liked Jeno so much. It wasn’t hard to fall for him. 

His stomach plummeted to the ground as Jeno flashed him a relieved smile.

“You don’t know the weight you lifted up my shoulders, Renjun,” Jeno said, bringing his hands to hold Renjun’s, thankful, and oh so absolutely clueless of how his words pierced through Renjun heart, “I was worried that my soulmate wouldn’t understand that part of myself wanted to pursue someone who I like.”

And maybe, with Jeno smiling with his crinkled eyes, half-moons adorably gazing at Renjun, at that moment, he realized he could never bring up his burning desires and idealizations that followed him through his growing years of meeting his soulmate.

“Do… do you think,” a blush made its presence in Jeno’s pale cheeks, in Renjun’s eyes it was such a pretty sight, “I have a chance with Jaemin?”

Lee Jeno was so unfair to Renjun's heart, looking as earnest as he kept stomping unsuspectedly on his already torn self. 

“I think you have more than a chance, Jeno,” Renjun wasn’t lying, he could be sincere and not give Jeno false hope. He still had that pretty hue of pink dancing on his cheeks, Renjun thought he couldn’t see it for much longer without wanting to cry.

“Can I ask you something?” he voiced unsurely, “can you please keep us being soulmates as a secret?”

Jeno looked rather scandalized at Renjun's request.

“No, no way, why?” the younger narrowed his eyes in suspicion

“Don’t take it the wrong way! It’s just—I will tell him of course! But I want to tell him myself and assure him it won’t be weird?” Renjun scrambled to find a belief excuse, “I’ll assure him that we already talked about it, and it’s all okay.”

The black-haired raised his eyebrows not looking convinced but ultimately conceded, “Okay, yeah I get it, you’re his best friend and you know him better after all.”

Renjun hated to be aware of how he wasn’t even planning on uttering a word to Jaemin, not that soon at least and lying so blatantly to Jeno’s face, but in his confused mind, he decided it was the best for them all.

If Jaemin knew, Renjun was sure he would undoubtedly try to either not act on his feelings towards Jeno to not upset Renjun or be completely weird about it, he didn’t think he liked either of those possibilities. If someone was indeed deserving of being on the receiving end of happiness, being loved and doted on was Jaemin, without a doubt.

And if Renjun had to sacrifice this part of himself to make sure Jaemin got the love he gives in return, he would do it. Over and over again. It couldn’t be that hard right?

“I’m so lucky to have you as my soulmate, Renjun.”

Renjun wishes he could think the same way himself. 

* * *

Jaemin and Jeno begin dating. 

Renjun convinces himself it doesn't hurt at all. 

He would like to say things take a drastic turn, but they dont or at least not in ways he thought it could change.

Jeno treats him the same as he has always treated Renjun, he doesn't seem to feel awkward around him, and he doesn't know if it’s a blessing in disguise because it sure doesn't feel like it.

Renjun is still tutoring Jeno, so their routine keeps going as if nothing has shifted between them, Jaemin still joins them for study sessions. But now they don't back down from physical affection and Renjun has to sit there pretending he doesn't see when they hold hands under the table or when Jaemin sneakily places kisses on Jeno's mouth when he thinks Renjun is distracted.

Renjun fakes gagging to conceal the urge to run away and lock himself in his bedroom when those moments happen, he feels incredibly guilty for being jealous when Jaemin and Jeno seem so infatuated with each other.

And he feels shame for wanting that for himself. His only solace is Jaemin being blissfully unaware of Renjun anguish.

He even considers changing his major to acting with how easily it comes to him pretending everything is okay. 

What Renjun does not quite get it's them constantly inviting Renjun to third wheel on their dates. 

("You’re not third-wheeling our date because it's not a date! We’re just hanging out like we always do!" Jaemin assures him when he asks about it,

"or do you not want to hang out with us, Jun?" Jeno gives him the puppy eyes, and Renjun curses him in his head.)

He keeps up with the pretense for all of their sake, he joins movie night every week without a fail, but he wills himself to keep his gaze on the screen and not wander to them in any given moment. And it works, for most of the time it works, even when he feels his soul withering, and the sting behind his eyes becomes a familiar feeling. But there is something he avoids at all costs: eating with them. 

He couldn't find a believable excuse in time after their study session, so he had to sit down there and endure the most stressful meal he ever had, almost getting caught twice. Jeno realized quickly he hadn't actually talked with Jaemin about the whole soulmate thing, so he got roped into pretending the whole meal. 

Safe to say, Jeno confronted him about not having mentioned anything to Jaemin even after weeks, Renjun asks for more time and feels even worse for having to keep it a secret for a longer time.

He opts for doing what he does best, drowning himself in assignments to stop himself from getting caught in a similar situation again. He paints, and paints and paints until his hands hurt. It helps that midterms are approaching so he has a reason to busy himself and not having time to spare for anyone.

Things take a really weird turn when one morning he's having his lunch with Gahyeon in the cafeteria and Donghyuck sits down, grumbling and almost throwing his food on the table rather harshly, Renjun raises his eyebrows at his clear annoyance and grumpiness.

"You won’t believe the shit that I found out this morning,"

"Enlighten us, please."

"Guess who my fucking soulmate is?" Renjun already dreads this conversation but Donghyuck just laughs mirthlessly and continues, "Na fucking Jaemin."

Renjun's mind just blanks, and he only hears Gahyeon let out a surprised gasp, asking him how he found out.

"I saw him this morning drinking his damned espresso that tastes like a rubber band and I almost got a heart attack."

"Does he- does he know?" Renjun asks, fearful of the answer. Donghyuck snorts and takes out a strawberry milk from his backpack, opening it with much force than necessary

"Of course he does, I yelled at him for making me suffer tasting that shit," he rolls his eyes, "he complained about me drinking dairy, he dared to complain to me when he’s dating my best friend!"

"What are you planning to do?" 

"What else?" he takes a large gulp of his milk and then grins wickedly, "I’m going to punish him by eating dairy every day."

Gahyeon rolls her eyes, "Not that, what do you plan to do if he's dating Jeno?" Donghyuck doesn't even seem fazed by it, and Renjun feels bitter that he doesn't even seem to care.

"He will fall for me either way, I might make his life harder, Yangyang agreed to make him believe we're dating."

* * *

To say Renjun was exhausted was a total understatement, all of his limbs felt incredibly heavy and he was sure he felt pain all over muscles he wasn’t even aware they existed before. Mid-terms were undoubtedly beating Renjun ass, not that he thought he was going to fail but because he put all of himself, bared his soul, and poured his heart on it while trying to escape from his day-to-day reality. A coping mechanism that, even if it was really productive to his art and assignments, as also physically taxing and distractions could only help so much to his overdriven mental state.

‘ _You look like a tortured artist, now you have the mentality too_ ’ was one of the things Donghyuck was getting used to mock him with. 

To think early in the semester it didn’t even cross Renjun’s mind he could find solace and understanding in someone as brash and outspoken as Donghyuck. If you asked Renjun at that time he would’ve probably laughed, but now he admitted he was enormously grateful for his companionship and friendship. Confiding in someone took a lot of trust from Renjun, being as guarded and private with his inner thoughts, but Donghyuck was in the same boat as him, _kinda._

Normally he would’ve sought Jaemin to unravel his inner turmoil, the younger being the only one used to Renjun tendencies to overthink himself to exhaustion, but now he couldn’t reach for his childhood ally to soothe his worries, being directly involved with it, things have changed.

Renjun shook his head to get tired of that train of thought, it wasn’t the time to psych himself into another mental breakdown and throw away all his hard work trying not to fall down the rabbit hole. _Again_ , he bitterly thought.

All the grey-haired wanted to do was reach his dorm room, take a long and warm shower to ease his overworked muscles, and then fall on his fluffy sheets to take a rewarding sleep for an eternity.

He almost missed the beep sound from the elevator, dragging his feet down the hallway contemplating calling for take out to eat first, truthfully he couldn’t remember when was his last full meal, the snacks he devoured to tamper his hunger as he finished all of his assignments couldn’t even count as nearly decent. He was at least thankful nobody was breathing down his neck for it, punching numbers on their lock he opened the door distractedly when a distinct smell of smoke invaded Renjun nose shaking him out of his lethargy and sprinting towards the kitchen, Renjun couldn’t have been that sleepy to not to remember to turn it off right? He was sure he turned the stove off this morning! 

Nothing prepared him to encounter a frantic Jeno passing back and forth in their kitchen, running between putting the pan under the running water making a sizzling sound as something clearly burnt if the blackness of it all was any indication got splashed with it and opening the window to vent the smoke out, Renjun inwardly coughed covering his nose with the back of his hand making Jeno turn to him sporting a nervous expression, his eyes widening and mouth opening and closing as a deer caught in the headlights

“Renjun- I, sorry, this wasn’t supposed to happen I swear! I just— was trying to cook something for Jaem—you see his last final is today but, oh god why is there so much smoke,” the black-haired nervously ranted while still splashing the pan in the sink and batting a kitchen towel trying to disperse the remains of smoke. 

The sight was honestly ridiculous, Renjun couldn’t help but snort making Jeno turn his attention back to him.

“I’m really sorry, Renjun, truly, normally I’m an okay cook but I—“

“It’s okay, just… clean and wait here, no turning the stove on without supervision.” 

Jeno looked at him wide-eyed and nodded rapidly as Renjun exited the common kitchen and made a beeline to his room, still dragging his feet he opened the door, threw his backpack on the chair and quickly grabbed some comfortable clothes before making his way towards the bathroom. Placing the clean clothes on the sink making sure it was far enough to not wetting them accidentally while taking a shower, undressing and folding the dirty clothes as he placed them in the laundry basket, jumping in the shower Renjun tried not to ask himself over and over again why today of all days Jeno decided it was a good idea to make a you-worked-hard-dinner? Now-it’s-time-to-pamper-you dinner? to Jaemin, so why the fuck, despite feeling two seconds away from collapsing, Renjun decided to help him out?

For someone who proclaimed himself as very smart Renjun could be so stupid sometimes, stepping out to dry himself he laughed humorlessly looking at his reflection in the mirror while dressing, the eye bags under his eyes were unfortunately very noticeable and his skin slightly paler than usual, the grey-haired pinched his cheeks to make himself look more awake and ran his fingers through the wet strands of hair to put them in place noticing it was getting rather long and it might need a haircut soon before exiting the bathroom and walking with, he hoped looked like, a refreshed look. 

He would just make sure Jeno didn’t burn down their dorm and then he could check himself out without worrying the firefighters would interrupt his sleep.

Renjun stepped inside the kitchen again making Jeno turn to him with wavering eyes, he was sitting with his hands in between his legs on one of the chairs near the table, looking very much like a kicked puppy making the older let out a soft chuckle, Jeno gave him a soft, almost reserved smile as Renjun walked up towards the stove to check out the damage. Thankfully it wasn’t that much, Jeno had already cleaned up the burnt dish, glancing around the older noticed there was rice done inside the rice cooker and some scattered vegetables, letting out a soft sigh he pushed the end of his sleeves away from his hands, painfully aware that Jeno was staring at his every movement. 

“Can you pass me some eggs?” he said softly.

“Uh?,” Jeno tilted his head to his right, confused at other’s request before slightly widening his eyes and scrambling to stand from the chair seemingly understanding Renjun’s intentions, “n-no it’s okay really, don’t burden yourself! I can always call for takeout!” Jeno replied nervously.

“It’s okay, I’ll just give you a hand, not a burden.” 

“It makes me feel guilty, you look tired.”

_So much for trying to look refreshed._

“I’m fine really,” Renjun gave Jeno a soft smile and shook his head slightly trying to reassure him, he didn’t look convinced if the wriggling of his hands was something to go by, “now pass me some eggs and let’s finish cooking okay?” his tone now somewhat more firm, Jeno still looked doubtful but at least he took out the eggs from the fridge and handed them to Renjun. 

“Okay, but give me a task, I want to help,” the younger looking at Renjun with eagerness, if Renjun earlier thought Jeno looked like a puppy now he could confirm it, the thought of it made him smile in amusement.

They started to work in surprisingly comfortable silence, Jeno cutting the vegetables as Renjun asked him to in a soft voice pleading him to _please be careful with your hands_ , which earned him a playful glare from Jeno, meanwhile he came up with something simple to cook fried rice since the meat was unfortunately wasted and he wasn’t going to ask Jeno to buy more. Maneuvering with all the utensils and ingredients Renjun started stirring the rice with spices and vegetables on the hot pan, sizzling sounds being the only noise heard in the kitchen even when Jeno was at his side watching him carefully, with curious eyes as Renjun was begging every deity to not burn his hand accidentally or embarrassing himself due to his nerves. 

“You’re good at this,” Jeno pointed out softly as if trying to ease his tense stance which he could figure out was quite obvious. 

“Mhm, I used to cook back at home for my Dad and myself,” Jeno kept looking at him with curiosity, “my Dad is a terrible cook,” he relented and in a last-minute decision, “quite like you to be honest.”

“Hey! I’m not that bad!” Jeno whined. 

“If I didn’t show up in time you would’ve burned down the dorm,” Renjun deadpanned as Jeno made a distressed sound before pouting. 

Renjun chuckled at Jeno's display of cuteness before catching himself, he wasn’t going to go there, no, no, going back to his task realizing it was already gone, he took a spoon and scooped a small portion blowing it before taking a bite to check the taste. It wasn’t too hard on the spices but maybe adding more soy sauce could turn it too salty?

“What do you think? Is it okay?” Renjun voiced softly.

A few seconds of silence passed, seeing that he didn’t receive an answer he turned to the younger and was about to repeat his question until he saw Jeno looking at him with a guarded expression on his eyes as if he’s trying not to cross boundaries and that’s when Renjun realizes what he just implied with his actions, his eyes widening a little, apology ready on his lips as he tries to backtrack but before he could even open his mouth, Jeno’s expression shift to something soft, understanding, almost... Warm? As his lips curve upwards to a small smile and Renjun isn’t sure this is much better from before. 

“It’s tasty,” he replies carefully, his gaze not breaking eye contact, “my savior.” 

He ends with an amused chuckle and gives Renjun a smile crinkling his eyes, they look like small half-moons Renjun notices and is sure he shouldn’t find it so endearing as his heart suddenly decides to go wild in his chest, which? To be honest? Embarrassing, he honestly can’t believe he’s getting nervous like a school girl because Jeno is smiling at him in his cute, adorable, lovely, and endearing self.

“Shut up.” Renjun mumbles.

“Are you getting shy?” Jeno grins amusedly.

“I’m not!” the older whines, he grabs the spatula and points it at Jeno menacingly which makes him laugh, “I’m not afraid to use it against you.”

“I hope you know you look really cute right now trying to threaten me,” Jeno states as he now fully smiles at Renjun, which, not fair? He can feel a blush making his way to his cheeks and the tip of his ears making him groan in distaste.

“I’m not cute!”

“You are adorable,” the younger keeps teasing him and Renjun begs the lords again for mercy, slapping Jeno’s arm continuously which only makes him laugh further and back away to avoid Renjun attacks. 

He settles for glaring at Jeno which, to his credit, is trying to subdue his giggles, Renjun just rolls his eyes opting for finishing the meal and putting it away for when it’s time to be served, reminding him that this is Jeno’s attempt to cook a meal for Jaemin and that he shouldn’t be interrupting, Jaemin must be soon to arrive from class. Renjun tries hard not to make the reminder dampen his playful mood form before.

Jeno must have noticed the sudden change in his behavior, now biting his lower lip and a pensive stare, he seems to be thinking hard of something and it makes Renjun nervous, he doesn’t know if it’s going to make things awkward between them all over again so he tries to escape before that happens.

“It’s done now, so I’ll go to my room excuse-“

“There were some days,” Jeno starts, and seems to ignore whatever Renjun was going to say, “you used to eat something very delicious, it was sweet but not too much, with a flowery taste almost?” 

Renjun stared at the younger, taken aback by where this conversation was going, it was the first time that Jeno acknowledged anything related to Renjun being his soulmate, or well the first time after he found out they were soulmates, and it made Renjun jittery. 

“It was… really good, tasty, I liked it a lot,” 

“Really?” he hated how his words came out shaky. 

“Yeah…” the black-haired bites his lower lip still looking very much uncertain of whatever he was trying to do but he continued, “do you, perhaps, know how to make it?” 

“Uhm, I... Can ask my mom about it,” Renjun is pretty aware that it sounded like a question but he is too confused to care and pretty damn impulsive which prompts him to say, “Would you like me to cook it for you?” 

Jeno seems surprised, a bit taken aback and Renjun could swear he noticed his eyes shaking slightly but it was gone before he could be sure and a radiant smile is making way to the younger face as he nods slowly. 

“I would really like that.” 

It’s the way that Jeno says it, soft, his gaze unwavering from Renjun, a smile on his face which can only be described as warmth and gentleness that makes him understand. 

This is not just about food, or Jeno remembering the taste from a dessert Renjun loved to eat during his childhood, it’s about his acceptance, and willingness to let Renjun into his life and acknowledging their connection, it’s the bare minimum but he can’t help feel his chest full, fond and warmth, and it must be showing in his face because Jeno looks relieved, his nonfaltering smile turning gentle and his eyes sparkle. Or it could be the effect of the lightning in the kitchen, Renjun tries to ground himself despite feeling he could float away, so before it gets worse he takes some steps away. 

“Okay, I’ll let you know,” Renjun smiles at Jeno as he approaches the door, “I’m going to sleep, you were right earlier I am tired.” 

To Renjun dismay, Jeno is very perceptive and seems to know Renjun is just trying to escape to his room, arching his brow amused with a grin dancing on his lips but relents and doesn’t mention it, Renjun is thankful. 

“Sleep well and have sweet dreams, Renjunnie.” 

Renjun is certain he mumbles something that sounded like _thank you, you too, see you later_ but he doesn’t stay to find out if Jeno heard, quickly stomping his way to his room, opening the door and slamming it close before throwing himself on his bed and hiding under the blankets. 

He feels confused, giddy, and content, he wants to scream at his pillows but knows the damn walls are too thin and with Jeno in the near vicinity he doesn’t risk embarrassing himself further, so he opts for planting his face on the pillow to hide his smile and his wild beating heart. He doesn’t know why just the fact that Jeno is finally accepting him makes him churn in happiness but he won’t overthink today, Renjun would let himself drown in this feeling until he can, he is happy, sue him. 

Renjun turns a few times in between the sheets, too giddy to fall asleep right away but body too heavy to get rid of the electric sparks he feels, he knows he must look like a fool and that maybe tomorrow his mind will try to ruin his day but he will let that be future Renjun problem. 

* * *

Renjun knew there was a reason why things had been going pretty well for him these past few weeks. Finals were approaching but he didn't have the looming feeling of failure, he felt confident about it. 

He hasn’t cried in the past week, which was a solid reason to celebrate, he could declare himself immune to third-wheeling in Jeno and Jaemin's study dates or whatever, who needed Jeno anyway?

Renjun wasn't a weak bitch! 

(He kindly ignored the last couple of months for his mental health sake.)

In short, Renjun welcomed this new renewed positive outlook and good vibes, but that didn't mean he didn’t have his doubts, he knew something bad was bound to happen sooner or later, did he care at the moment? Absolutely not.

In retrospect, Renjun should've known agreeing to Donghyuck's plans was set to disaster, he convinced Renjun to go to a party on Sunday night.

(“Who even hosts a party on Sunday?”

“Who cares Renjun? It's college and free booze!” Yangyang said to him brightly and all that was annoying.) 

Because he wanted to quote his words _'get drunk that I don't even remember my name so I can throw up and make Na Jaemin suffer the taste of it'_ , he didn’t question their dynamics anymore. They had a very food-related pettiness battle, both of them getting on each other’s nerves just for the sake of it. 

Going back to his dilemma, it was a bad decision, he shouldn't have gulped down that much alcohol, and he didn't even like the taste of it in the first place. 

But here he was, drunk but still kinda lucid? Goosebumps from head to toes because guess what? He had fucking locked himself out of the dorm and his drunk mind couldn't realize why. He tried calling Jaemin to come get him but it rang a few times without him picking up, so he could infer the younger was already asleep. He didn’t even bother to call Donghyuck or Yangyang knowing his call will go straight to voicemail, and even so, they were probably passed out drunk on a ditch. He sighed and already dreaded this conversation, a few other rings before the other person in line picked up.

_“Renjun?_ ” a sleepy voice could be heard through the phone.

“Yeah,” his voice breathy, “Jenooooo, sorry to bother you, you were sleeping right? Sorry! I don’t have anyone else to call.” he lets out a slurry giggle closing his eyes when his surroundings get blurrier.

_“Where are you? Are you okay?_ ” Jeno this time sounded more alert than before.

“Yeah! I’m fine! Just, can you please come downstairs to get me? I got locked out," giggling again at the ridiculousness of the situation, “then you can go back to ignoring my existence again!”

“ _Renjun, I-”_ before Jeno could start talking he ended the call.

Jeno stares at his phone screen as Renjun hangs up on him and sighs, running a hand through his hair, throwing a hoodie quickly and walking out of his dorm room. He remembers Donghyuck getting ready to go out early and told him not to wait for him because he was going to crash at Yangyang's place, now what he doesn't remember is him mentioning Renjun going out as well, the older clearly sounded out of it in their call, he bites his lower lip at the clear jab at Jeno, of course, he would notice him maintaining his distance, but it's the best for all of them for now. 

He arrives at the entrance, stepping out and roaming the place with his eyes until they land on Renjun bent down next to the stairs, slightly trembling due to the cold of the night, he calls out to him, making Renjun turn to him and Jeno can see his rosy cheeks and unfocused gaze, tumbling to stand up and he approaches him to help. 

The moment he grabs the older arm, he groans, Jeno eyes roams his figure to check for any injury in case he falls on his way back to the dorm and hurts himself.

"I’m not hurt! It’s just ugh, how can you still be hot with your worn-out pajamas Jeno," Renjun whines, attaching himself to Jeno's arm, and he can feel his cheek grow warm in embarrassment at the compliment.

"You’re trashed, let's get you to your room." 

Renjun only giggles and lets himself be dragged by Jeno inside, not that it was that hard, seeing at how he attached to Jeno's side. he thought about letting Renjun crash in Donghyuck's bed but quickly threw the idea away, punching the code to his and Jaemin dorm room, helping him to take off his shoes.

"Ooooh, you even know our door code!" he chuckled loudly.

"Be quiet, Renjun, you're going to wake up everyone" Renjun gasped and flew his hands to his mouth before nodding quickly, Jeno couldn't help but find drunk Renjun extra adorable, not that he wasn't already on daily. 

He caught himself before his mind could go anywhere and dragged the older to his room quickly, Renjun immediately sprawling himself on his bed and turned to make grabby hands at Jeno. He didn’t have a good feeling about it but got closer, either way, covering Renjun with his sheets for good measure.

"You’re so unfair, Lee Jeno," Renjun whined, frowning and throwing an accusing glare at him, "you first ignore me and make me feel like I did something wrong, what did I do? You suddenly just couldn't even look me in the eyes I feel like shit!"

Jeno feels the guilt coming back to him full force.

"And now, and now! You pick up my call, come out to get me, help me with my shoes, and even tuck me in bed! What’s your deal?!" the older huffs angrily and Jeno would find the situation funny even cute at Renjun's adorable expression if it wasn't for the tears building up in Renjun's eyes which makes him panic and brings his hands to his cheek.

"No, Renjun, it isn't your fault, really." Jeno talks softly, almost like a pleading, caressing the other cheek but still can't bring himself to say anything more.

"Then why! God, you make me so angry," Renjun lets out a soft whimper before rubbing his eyes harshly and looking at Jeno, "I tried so hard, do you know how hard I tried? And even then, I still went and fell for you."

Jeno feels like a bucket of cold water was thrown at him and he freezes, which seems to upset Renjun even further.

"I’m so stupid, I know, I told you I was okay with how things are," Renjun sniffles and turns his gaze away from Jeno, "it wasn't true, but it doesn't matter anymore."

Jeno’s head is spinning, and all of his feelings jumble, he feels frozen in place and so confused. He should've realized sooner, it was right there in front of his own two eyes and he didn't notice? Has it been obvious all this while and Jeno was the only one who didn't know? And now thinking back at how sudden and without explanations, he dragged himself away from Renjun, did he take it as if Jeno knew and was subtly rejecting him even when he didn’t say anything? God, had he been acting like a jerk?

There’s silence for a few moments before Renjun’s now soft and steady voice can be heard again.

"I feel like I’m not made to be loved," and dear lord, Jeno's heart break with those words, "it probably sounds like bullshit, but in my weakest moments I can't help to think, if you, out of all, are the one who's supposed to be for me by fate or whatever shit, don’t want me... then, who would?"

Jeno doesn't even dare to answer. time passes between them and he can see as the older gets drowsy and sleepy until his eyes close and his breath even out. Jeno doesn't know if it has been minutes or maybe hours, but the sinking feeling in his gut doesn't leave, he takes a look at Renjun's peaceful face and brushes a few strands of hair out of his face.

"You are so special Huang Renjun, you have no idea," his hand traces the outline of the older jaw before retreating it, he doesn't feel like he has the right to stay anymore, not after all he heard tonight.

And especially not when he doesn't even begin to understand what goes on in his mind.

Renjun is pretty sure he only got like 3 hours of sleep when he wakes up at the sound of his alarm, the feeling of cotton in his mouth and a vice grip on his pounding head, he curses Donghyuck and Yangyang in his mind, he's not about to say the old ' _I’m not drinking anymore ever'_ one because it’s stupid and second because he knows given the opportunity he would do it again.

His stomach lurches uncomfortably at the thought, maybe not so hammered. 

He shoves aside the blankets, stumbling towards the bathroom, and makes a quick work of showering, getting rid of the horrible stench of alcohol from his skin, brushing his teeth, and rinsing them at least twice for good measure.

He dresses slugging already dreading the whole day, on his way out of the dorm he notices there's no trace of Jaemin on their dorm, weird, normally Jaemin woke up after Renjun and they sometimes walked together. He doesn't give it much thought.

When he sits down on his usual seat next to Gahyeon, groaning and hiding his head on his arms, he regrets not taking a painkiller as soon as he woke up, he can see Gahyeon shaking her head through his peripheral but she chooses not to say anything which he is thankful, Renjun doesn't think he is up for a lecture, he only prays to be able to go through their actual lecture without wanting to rip his hair off. 

Renjun survives, there is still a nagging thought on the back of his head that something is bound to happen or maybe it's because he can’t really remember much from last night, asides from calling Jeno to get him, the rest is pretty blurry for him to remember. Gahyeon decides to join Renjun, Yangyang, and Donghyuck for lunch, he is sure it’s just to laugh at their expense, at least they look worse than Renjun, he takes it as a victory. 

"Don’t say a word." Donghyuck groans as he watches the girl take a seat on their table.

"I haven’t said anything." she only chuckles. 

"You finally deemed us cool enough to join us for lunch?" Yangyang throws her an inquisitive look.

"You were never cool to begin with," she rolls her eyes, taking a bite of her food, "I’ll just entertain myself with you guys and your bad decision making."

Renjun decided to tune them out as Yangyang started to go back and forth with Gahyeon, Donghyuck pinching in from time to time, his head pounding less than at the moment he woke up but still hurting him, he threw his gaze at the entrance of the cafeteria distractedly when he saw two silhouettes approaching them, as they came closer he recognized them as Jaemin and Jeno, but something was very off, Jaemin sporting a fiery gaze directed straight at him almost glaring and Jeno was following him with slight panic-stricken eyes, he was thanking not eating due to his headache because the rapid churning of his stomach was making him sick.

"Do you think I’m that stupid, Renjun?" Jaemin spat at him as soon as he arrived at their table, making Gahyeon, Donghyuck, and Yangyang snap their necks to look at Jaemin with equally disconcerted expressions.

"What are you talking about?" 

"Oh, so now you're going to feign ignorance?" Jaemin bitterly replied, raising his voice and earning attention from people around them.

If there was one thing Renjun hated, it was a public confrontation, being exposed and vulnerable in the eyes of everyone, it made his skin prickle in embarrassment as the tip of his ears felt like fire burning him. Jaemin knew this, of course, he knew and he didn’t seem to care much at the moment.

Renjun dared to glance at Jeno wishing with all his being this wasn’t what he thought this was but unfortunately was met with the black-haired biting his lower lip, eyes nervously going back and forth between him and Jaemin, expression guarded, to Renjun it looked like shame or guilt, his stomach sunk. Ah, there it was, _the fuckening_.

Jaemin knew about the thing he wanted to hide the most, he also knew if he were to confront Renjun back at their dorm he would probably find excuses to flee and avoid the conversation as much as he could and that’s exactly why he chose to bring it out in public, leaving him no room to escape but to acknowledge it. 

"Can we please not do this here?" Renjun gritted through his teeth, trying hard to ignore the eyes on their table including the confused glances of his friends.

“Why? Embarrassed now?” Jaemin scoffed and chuckled humorlessly, “given how you've been hiding things I thought you could be shameless enough to at least give me face.”

“Ya, Na Jaemin, what is your problem?” Donghyuck stood up suddenly feeling irked at the way jaemin was referring to Renjun.

“Don’t butt your nose in Donghyuck, this ain’t none of your business” he dryly replied.

“Hey, watch your tone, Na.” Yangyang stood up as well, giving even more anxiety to Renjun. 

“If you don’t like how I talk, then control your boyfriend, no one is involving him but himself.” Jaemin glared at Yangyang but smiled almost sardonically.

“Jaemin, please, you’re causing a scene,” Jeno grabbed his arm and pulled him back slightly. 

Jaemin scoffs but relents, he throws a bored look at them but his eyes steely as his gaze lands on Renjun before turning around, walking out of the cafeteria, Renjun lets out a sigh before standing up and following the pink-haired, Jeno behind him and he can still feel all eyes on him, his skin still prickling and he has the urge to run, but Renjun is aware he doesn’t have any more option but to push forward.

They keep walking, Jaemin almost stomping with every step, until they reach a desolated hallway, hide away from the view of onlookers, the pink-haired turn to look at Renjun, the line of his shoulder tense and he crosses his arms.

“Well? Were you even planning to consider telling me ever?”

“Eventually, maybe,” Renjun admits without meeting Jaemin gaze, “how long have you known?” voice wavering.

“Does that even matter? I’m not blind,” Jaemin bites back, “I know how you look when you love someone, yesterday was just a confirmation.” 

Renjun snaps his head up, yesterday? His nails digging in his closed fist as he tries to remember until suddenly a flow of blurry memories come back to him and he hides his face in his hands in embarrassment at everything he said to Jeno, can this get any worse?

“Do you even know why I am angry?” Jaemin concedes, "I had to find out through the person I’m dating that you, my supposed best friend, is his soulmate because I basically forced him to tell me.”

Renjun could hear a surprised gasp near where they were standing. Great, now he’s painfully aware that his friends are hearing all of this.

“I did want to tell you, okay?” Renjun’s lips must be looking bruised from biting them too hard but anger growing, “but what was that going to change? Since we were kids you thought the whole idea of soulmates was stupid and Jeno clearly doesn’t give a shit either.”

Jeno winced and Renjun wishes he could care about how his words sounded, harsh and ugly, but the feeling of humiliation was still fresh in his bones and all the pent-up frustration he had been carrying for months just kept bubbling to the surface.

“Not all of us cling to such stupid and conservative beliefs Renjun, forgive me if I don’t justify lying just because it was convenient for you.”

“Convenient? Are you kidding me right now?” he voices disbelieving. 

It stung, Jaemin’s harsh words tearing at his already frail heart. Renjun all his life was made to believe everything will turn out for the better with his soulmates by his side, and he was okay with other people finding it rather lame, dumb, or even stupid but he never cared because those were his beliefs, he didn’t need anybody else approval for what he chooses to put his heart on.

“Not all of us need a backstory to be the way we are with soulmates.”

Renjun stares incredulously at Jaemin, feeling the prickling at the back of his eyes of unshed tears, in Jaemin’s defense he looks remorseful at the words he said just after uttering them but doesn’t say anything to retreat them. Not like it would make a difference, his words made weapons look harmless. 

“Shit, Jun… I didn’t mean—“

“Yes you did,” Renjun snorted bitterly, “you did mean them.”

Jaemin closes his hand in a fist, mouth opening before closing and giving a last look at Renjun before turning around and walking away. Renjun let out a sigh that comes shakily at how hard he’s trying to contain his tears until his eyes land on Jeno’s figure. Still standing there, having said nothing the whole time, it makes Renjun blood boil even when he knows Jeno is not at fault, at least not entirely, for this mess.

“You’re still here? Go with him, don’t make it worse staying and making him think you’re siding with me.” 

“But,”

“He is your boyfriend isn’t it?” Renjun spat angrily, “so what are you still doing here? In the end, I am nothing to you, a nobody who doesn’t interfere in the choices you make, just like you wanted to in the first place.”

Jeno winces and his eyes only reflect hurt, he clearly remembers how carelessly he said that to Renjun, without taking a moment to consider how he must have felt in that moment, Jeno even felt incredibly relieved when Renjun easily brushed it off and assured him he was okay with it. Jeno believed it so quickly without even doubting for a bit if the older was fine with it, his heart hurt and it filled with regret and so much shame at all the times he overlooked Renjun feelings for his own, how many times had Jeno asked Renjun to hang out with them just to ease his mind and assure himself he was actually okay with it? And how many times Renjun had accepted despite feeling unwanted just to pretend everything was alright? 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Jeno, please don’t.”

Jeno feels the familiar dread as yesterday, as he left Renjun after he confessed his hurt and true feelings for him, this time even though his jumbled feelings he feels the need to stay, to comfort Renjun, to assure him, but he is sure the older doesn’t want him close. And it stings, the subtle rejection, Jeno cannot even fathom the thought of being outright rejected, his heart feels heavy remembering Renjun knows the feeling all too well.

As he turns around he gives that dread a name, it feels awfully like cowardice. 

Before Renjun can even think of anything more as he watches Jeno retreat he feels two pairs of arms hugging him, long black hair drowning his sight, and he lets his head fall on Gahyeon’s shoulder. 

“You can crash tonight with me,” he hears Yangyang say with a resolute voice, “I can’t believe he used that against you, that asshole, I’m going to punch him the face”

Renjun doesn’t say anything, he just sinks further in Gahyeon’s embrace and lets his tears silently roll his cheeks.

* * *

The days after the confrontation were horribly calm, boring even, Renjun stayed for a few days at Yangyang's place since he insisted for Renjun not to go back to his dorm yet, and Renjun thought it was one of the wisest things Yangyang has ever said to him.

Donghyuck, two days later also starts staying at Yangyang’s place, he doesn't give too much of an explanation but Renjun suspects it's because he also had his word with Jeno and they're trying not to step on each other's toes. 

Also Donghyuck has a weird connection with his cousin, they seem to be on the same wavelength, sometimes he thinks they could be dating for all he knows, but prefers not to complicate his life asking about it and leave it be. 

Just once Donghyuck mentions the whole situation, just to tell Renjun that meanwhile, he doesn't understand his approach to things since they're clearly very different at how he decided to go when he found out Jaemin was his soulmate, he supports whatever Renjun felt was the right choice for him. And the older feels relieved, even after that, Donghyuck chastises him for being a stubborn little shit and keeping it all to himself when he could always share the burden with him. 

Yangyang doesn't question his decision either, he knew about for months it seems but since Renjun didn't tell him anything he also didn't mention it, saying he is in no position to judge Renjun at all, he instead offers him to share all his snacks with Renjun, that's simply how they work. 

They try their best to lift Renjun spirits, taking him out to eat, they visit some places Renjun had wanted to try before but couldn't, and spend their free afternoons playing video games even when Renjun knows he sucks at some of them, at that Donghyuck isn't as nice to refrain from calling out Renjun for being a terrible video game partner and Renjun just laughs and sometimes purposely loses just to get on Donghyuck nerves.

He always goes to sleep first, excusing himself saying he feels tired, secretly he drowns in between blankets and sometimes cries himself to sleep.

If Donghyuck and Yangyang notice they’re nice enough not to mention it.

Today is one of those slow days where they are sprawled in Yangyang’s living room, each of them busy scrolling through their phones, when out of nowhere Donghyuck cackles, at first he decides not to pay attention because Donghyuck could find the most ridiculous things to laugh at, but not a second later he now laughs and Renjun rolls his eyes before turning to him deciding to humor him,

“Okay, what’s so funny?”

“You know…” Donghyuck makes a flourish gesture with his hand. “Yesterday, Yang said something that made me think,”

“That’s a first,” Yangyang sounds bored as he deadpans and Donghyuck throws a pillow at him.

“As I was saying before being rudely interrupted,” Yangyang only cackles, “imagine how tragic it would be if your soulmate is sucking your dick and then you taste your own come.” 

Renjun blinks unimpressed at Donghyuck before looking at him in disgust.

“I hate you, you disgust me, is it too late to cancel this friendship?” Donghyuck only mocks him in a high pitched voice.

“You should text that to Na, just to get on his nerves,” Yangyang actually dares to suggest and Renjun is mortified at how donghyuck eyes sparkle in wonder.

“This is why you’re my favorite, darling”

“Oh, I love you too, honey.” 

“Literally, don’t ever talk to me again.” Renjun shivers, and watches in horror at how Donghyuck is rapidly writing on his phone and Yangyang moves and laughs loudly as get a glimpse of what Donghyuck is texting while giggling.

His phone pings with an upcoming message so he forgets whatever ridiculous thing they devil twins are up to.

**_g.hyeon_ **

_Meet me at 5 in my place. Emergency meeting!_

**_renjun_ **

_Is everything okay?_

**_g.hyeon_ **

_Just come here Renjun._

Gahyeon’s hair is blonde. Her long, smooth, silky hair is now platinum blonde and Renjun couldn’t take his eyes off of it, not because didn’t suit her, everyone and their mothers know nothing could look anything but ethereal on Gahyeon, but because he can clearly remember how she was adamant to change her onyx black to the _slave inducing job of dyeing and retouching every few weeks_ , in her own words.

His stunned silence seemed to amuse the older girl as she giggled and dragged him inside by his wrist.

“I’m going through some emotional breakdown and I was planning on matching your ash grey,” she comments easily taking a seat on the couch patting the space next to her, making him sit comfortably, “but I had a better idea.”

“That doesn’t explain why you texted me to come here urgently though?”

She turns to him as her slender fingers run through Renjun, something that became usual between them as they grew closer, at first it made him uneasy, not that he ever mentioned to her, now it became oddly comforting. Her grin widens before pinching Renjun’s cheek. 

“Have you ever thought about going pink, Renjunnie?” 

And that’s how he finds himself stuck in a bathroom, sitting on a closed toilet bowl, his hands covered with hair dye and the awful smell of ammonia mixed with peroxide trying to suffocate his lungs, the smell making him scrunch his nose in disgust, letting out a small grunt as the older girl tugs rather harshly on one strand of his hair as she applies hair dye on his scalp.

“Maybe if you keep still, I wouldn’t be pulling your hair, I’m almost done anyway.” She tries to scold him, but Renjun just takes another look at her appearance and can’t help but giggle at how ridiculous they must look. 

Earlier he helped Gahyeon apply the pink hair dye on her hair first, painting the parts she couldn’t reach alone, before she made him sit to start doing his.

Deciding to wait for the dye to set up they moved to the living room, Renjun sprawling himself on the carpet as Gahyeon decided to call for takeout, talking fast on the phone and ordering chinese dishes for their dinner, Renjun suspected it was her way to comfort him as they hadn't talked about his struggles since the last time he broke down in her arms after his confrontation with Jaemin.

He felt his heart fill with warmth at her thoughtfulness. 

After she ended the call, Gahyeon made her way to lay on the couch scrolling on her phone and Renjun did the same, a comfortable silence between them, sometimes he still got surprised at how easy his friendship with the older girl developed in the short months they came to know each other. 

"You’re allowed to feel upset about it."

Renjun turns around to notice Gahyeon staring at him with a pensive look, he already knows what she means. 

"It doesn’t feel like I have the right to," he admits quietly.

Gahyeon’s stare did not stray from him, she abandons her phone on the couch now giving him all her attention, bringing her elbows to rest on her knees.

"Your feelings are valid," her voice soft but firm, "you're already having a hard time dealing with the consequences of your decisions, don't make it even harder for your heart Renjun.”

Renjun tries hard to suppress it, he really tries but it feels awfully like the time back in the studio, her eyes kind and open. He hasn't talked with anyone about how hollow his heart feels as he restrains himself from feeling upset or even remotely sad about it, Renjun didn't lie when he said it didn't feel like he had the right to, all he feels is guilt. Guilt over his lies, to not just anyone, but Jaemin. 

Jaemin who's always been there for him during the toughest times growing up, Jaemin who's always kind, who's always loving. More than his best friend, Jaemin always felt like the brother he never had. Renjun feels like a traitor.

To Jeno, whom he promised over and over again he was okay with him being with Jaemin, Jeno who offered his sincere friendship and it felt like a pang in his heart all the times he did things out of kindness and Renjun craved it meant something more.

To Jaemin, the first person that showed Renjun what being a friend was like, the one who taught Renjun to trust those who were deserving of it freely. 

But most of all, he felt like a traitor to himself. 

Renjun is so tired of bottling it all up, of crying alone in his room muffling his sobs embarrassed that Jaemin could hear it next door and think Renjun doesn't deserve to feel upset either when he orchestrated all this mess for himself. And so he tells Gahyeon all of it.

He tells her how all the time that has passed he felt like he was withering, hiding this part of himself and the feeling of emptiness every time he was with Jeno knowing there couldn't be more. But more importantly he tells her that all those feelings don't compare to the hollowness he feels now, all the guilt, all the remorse. Gahyeon doesn't judge him, her eyes doesn't show an ounce of pity and once again Renjun feels relieved, as his mouth keeps blabbing and blabbing, unable to stop, words coming out like water falling on a precipice, but she doesn't interrupt him, she listens holding his hand and when Renjun eyes sparkle with unshed tears she remains unfazed but her hand rubs circles on the back of his, soothing. 

Renjun talks until there's nothing else inside of him, it's liberating, freeing and Gahyeon lets out a soft sigh before smiling, she doesn't mention anything giving him time to recover, and instead drags him to the bathroom to rinse out the dye on both of their scalps and quickly blow-dry it.

It isn't until they're in front of the bathroom mirror admiring their matching hair color when she makes eye contact with Renjun through the mirror and gives him a small smile.

"Don’t be so hard on yourself all the time, you, of all people I came to know, are so deserving of love."

The takeout delivery comes right when both of their stomachs growls, the older girl running off to the front door to get it while Renjun clears the table, they both sit to eat eagerly and Renjun is pleasingly surprised to see Gahyeon ordered them all his favorite dishes, he doesn't forget to thank her as she winks conspiratorially. 

Heartfelt talk over, they discussed their assignments, Renjun whining about not being nowhere near satisfied with how one of his paintings came to be and blaming it on his horrible mood but not having the time to start all over again and finishing on time and Gahyeon complaining about one of their professors making her do her assignment all over again without a solid reason or explanation, making her think she could fail the whole unit just because the professor hated her. 

Jumping to Gahyeon asking about how much of Donghyuck’s plan was actually working since she called it to be a fail before it even started, it was very amusing to him the fact that Gahyeon kept tabs on Donghyuck shenanigans but they weren't that close, not on their level at least, he thought that maybe if they're schedules didn't clash up that much they could actually get along really well.

"Donghyuck said to me that I just have to make out with a hot guy to piss Jaemin and Jeno off."

Gahyeon rolls her eyes "It doesn’t even come off as a surprise to me, his whole plan to make Jaemin fall for him is to make him jealous with Yangyang,"

"I can't get over that he actually agreed to do it," Renjun scrunched his nose, remembering how his cousin was delighted with Donghyuck's idea and even pinched some on his own.

"He’s just as chaotic as Donghyuck, imagine if they were soulmates instead," Gahyeon snorted in amusement while Renjun groaned with just the mental image of them both dating for real.

After they finished dinner, Renjun helped her clear up the table, putting boxes on the trash and cleaning up before lying comfortably on the couch trying to regain energy to go back to his dorm, his head near to where Gahyeon was sitting as she ran her fingers through his scalp humming a soft tune.

"I think both you and Jaemin owe each other an apology," she said softly, and Renjun agreed on her statement only letting out a soft hum, "although I’m pissed at him for being an asshole to you and I want to punch him in the face.” 

The pink-haired girl huffed in annoyance and he couldn't help but laugh, he didn’t doubt for one minute she could smack Jaemin in the face.

"But you were both wrong, don't think just because I feel protective of you I won't call you out on your bullshit, Renjun.”

"I wouldn't even dare to think about it," he shifted his position to look at her with an amused smile.

"Just making sure," she grinned widely before pinching his cheek in a soft manner, "you're also both stubborn to a fault, don't let it hurt you further."

Renjun only gave her a nod and for the first time in the last days a sincere and relieved smile.

"Dyeing our hair was just your plot to give me a piece of your mind about how I’m being stupid?"

"Maybe," the older girl sang-sung mischievously, "there is also something else, but you will find out later." 

He didn’t dare to question her. 

Renjun arrived at his dorm and it was already late, the common room lights were off and the only light came from their kitchen and a dim light came out from his room, probably from his night light which he sometimes forgets to turn off in the mornings.

Taking out his shoes and arranging them in the rack he nervously bit his lower lip. During his walk back from Gahyeon’s apartment, he thought long and hard and made up his mind to confront Jaemin tonight, he doesn’t know for how long is Jaemin willing to drag their argument, it's not like they're strangers to fighting, in fact, they used to fight a lot during their high school days even for the slight and meaningless things, but clearly none can compare to the extent of this matter. 

Renjun walks towards Jaemin's room, noticing the lights are off, the younger might be sleeping since tomorrow he has to wake up early to leave for a weekend trip to the countryside to film a conjoined assignment with the music department, he had been really excited for it for the last couple of weeks since it was announced, just acting to be annoyed for having donghyuck as his partner. How Donghyuck managed to set them up as partners is still a mystery to Renjun.

Somehow he feels guilt crawling up his skin at the thought of upsetting Jaemin further with his apology the night before his long-awaited trip, but he doesn’t think he can let Jaemin leave for a weekend without trying to fix them up, they are both prideful and stubborn, and known to not back down from their opinion id they feel wronged by the other but the heart-wrenching feeling of being in the receiving side of Jaemin's indifference for so long is something Renjun can't take anymore.

Timidly, he softly knocks on the younger's door and waits for a response for a few seconds, not being able to hear any sound he opens the door quietly and shuffles inside. 

"Jaemin, are you sleeping?" he manages to whisper just in case the other is indeed already asleep.

Renjun’s eyes slowly get used to the darkness until he can spot Jaemin on his bed covered by sheets, unmoving, and breathing peacefully. He stands there watching for a few minutes before sighing, maybe he should've come to the dorm earlier, for a moment he considers waking the other up but discarded quickly the idea as it came, Jaemin needed to rest for tomorrow and maybe he was tired from his day, not as if Renjun knew what Jaemin had been up to lately, he thought bitterly. 

Left with no choice but to wait for another few days so he retreats quietly making his way out, before he could reach the door Renjun hears shuffling of sheets against the bed, knowing Jaemin isn’t one to move around during his sleep he turns around and can see the younger already looking at him with an inquisitive gaze but stance closed off even when laying down in between the sheets.

Jaemin doesn’t say a word but he hasn’t kicked Renjun out so he counts it as something, baby steps. They stare at each other for a few minutes, Renjun biting his lips again feeling totally out of place for the first time in Jaemin's presence but takes a chance. 

"I know I’m probably the last person you want to see right now," he starts and mentally pats himself in the back for it, "but I can’t let you leave for the weekend without saying this first."

That seems to peak Jaemin's interest as his gaze turns curious but is still silent, Renjun takes a deep breath and locks eyes with the younger.

"I’m truly sorry, I said it before but I will say it again, I’m sorry for lying and hiding the truth," Renjun tries not to break eye contact, "I’m sorry for hurting your feelings, it wasn't my intention to do that, I did want to tell you so bad, Jaemin, but every time I felt like I was going to come clean about it I chickened out the last minute."

Renjun feels the impending wave of emotions trying to bubble up to the surface again and grabs the end of his sweater to ground himself, he wasn't going to break down again.

"You looked so happy, and I didn't felt in the right to take that away from you, which I know it sounds like an excuse but it isn't, you're- you are my best friend Jaemin," and at the crack of his voice Renjun mentally slapped himself, not now, "you don't know how much you mean to me, I couldn't say anything before and I regret it so much, but only because I broke your trust."

Jaemin seems to want to say something, now on a sitting position in the middle of his bed, if the way his eyebrows pinch weirdly and his expression losing the coldness from before, eyes never leaving Renjun’s now slightly trembling form, but before he can get anything out Renjun has to finish what he needs to say.

"I promised to always be honest, I’m sorry for breaking that promise too," he was nervously tugging at the end of his sweater now, "if you need more time away from our friendship I understand, and to gain your trust back, if you let me, will take time too, j-just," the older couldn’t contain the few tears rolling down his cheeks, sniffling stubbornly, "Jaemin I’m sorry, you're so important to me and I fucked up."

To hell it went, being calm and collected, there was so much more Renjun wanted to say but his emotions were taking over and Renjun didn’t think he could say anything more. 

"Renjunnie," Jaemin's voice sounded hoarse and his gaze turned sad as he looked at the older, slowly moving to make space on his bed and lifting his sheets, "come here." 

Renjun didn’t wait to be called again, quickly crawling on the younger's bed and being engulfed in a tight hug, his arms hugging Jaemin's waist securely. 

"I’m so sorry too, Renjunnie," Jaemin's voice came out muffled against Renjun’s hairline, "I shouldn't have said all those awful things I said knowing how much it would hurt you even when I was upset too."

"I deserved it."

"No! You didn’t! don’t ever say that, don't ever think you deserve to hear those words again, Renjun, because it's not true," Jaemin hand coming up and down rubbing his back soothingly, "I was so mad, upset and hurt but you were too, we both did and said things we didn't mean to, I’m sorry too."

He felt his tears subsiding but still clung to Jaemin like he was his lifeline "I missed you so much, Nana" the older sniffled quietly, "I feel so stupid and so guilty, I really do."

"Shh, you baby," he could feel Jaemin planting a soft kiss on his head and tugging him to lay down still hugging, "I missed you too, don’t you know it Renjunnie? You’re my soft spot."

Normally, Renjun hated the times Jaemin tried to baby him, but now it was reassuring that they could go back to their normalcy, he wouldn't admit it out loud but right now it was exactly what Renjun needed, what they both needed. 

"Can I stay here tonight?"

"Only if you cuddle me," Jaemin raised the pitch of his voice making Renjun snort but nodded, he could hear Jaemin cooing before covering them both with the sheets before tugging to snuggle his side, "I have to wake up early tomorrow though."

"I don’t mind."

Jaemin gave him that soft and radiant smile he always could compare to the sun and Renjun couldn’t help but reciprocate. 

"Thank you, Nana, Good night."

"Good night, Renjunnie."

Renjun knew there was still a lot of things they needed to talk about, the real talk was nowhere near over, he knew Jaemin had questions as much as he did but for now, it was enough, for now, things were okay.

He had his best friend back.

* * *

Having made amends with Jaemin didn't exactly mean that things with Jeno were magically fixed too, if anything Renjun wanted to avoid having another mental and emotionally drowning confrontation, especially knowing already the outcome of it.

Jeno goes back to his parents’ house that same weekend and Renjun doesn’t know if he should feel relieved for not having another confrontation that soon, or to feel disheartened that Jeno hasn’t reached out to talk to him after all that happened. 

They both know they also need to talk and come clear about it if they intend on moving forward. Whatever that means. 

Jaemin returns on Monday afternoon, just as Renjun is cleaning up the dorm to try to distract his mind and avoid going back to wear himself down re-doing assignments since he already finished them all. 

Jaemin drags Renjun almost reluctantly to lay down in the younger’s bedroom, they stay in silence for quite a bit that Renjun thinks Jaemin fell asleep until he feels the younger snuggling on his arm. 

They take their time to talk sincerely, Renjun answered all of Jaemin’s questions about his real reasons for hiding the connection he had treasured for so long, no one knows better about it than him. Renjun doesn’t feel shame when talking about it to the younger, he is Renjun’s first found family, after all, so he tells him all. 

In return Jaemin still apologizes for using Renjun’s sore spot against him, and admits to the older the frustration he felt at Renjun putting himself down and making decisions for Jaemin without even bothering asking about it when it involved him as much as Renjun or Jeno, and makes him promise to never do anything like that again. 

It felt liberating, to be able to express himself. 

After what felt like hours, they’re laying down beside each other in silence, when Jaemin voices out carefully. 

“Jeno and I broke up” 

“What” Renjun almost snaps his neck as he turns to look at Jaemin who looks not even the least bothered by it?

“The day you came to my room and apologized, that day we decided to broke it off between us” he explains easily 

“But- that’s not- what? But you guys seemed so happy?”

“Before you think it was because of your situation with Jeno, it wasn’t,” Jaemin assures Renjun, knowing the older well enough to suspect he was likely to feel responsible for their falling out, “it played a part, but there were some other things going on and... we realized it wasn’t going to work, and before we went ahead and hurt each other we decided to end it”

“But you guys seemed like you were made for each other” to say Renjun was disconcerted was an understatement, Jaemin smirked at him with a suspicious glint in his eyes. 

“I don’t think you’re referring to us with that,” he says cryptically, “we think we work better as friends, there’s still a lot of things going on and... its better this way” 

“Are you sure?” Renjun still doesn’t understand it at all, he doesn’t allow himself to think what that would entail for him, and Jaemin seems to read his mind again and wraps his arm around Renjun’s middle, hugging him and placing his chin on his shoulder. 

“Yeah, you will see it all, Renjunnie” Jaemin leaves it at that and Renjun knows to drop it too.

Days pass by quickly and he still hasn’t talked to Jeno. It’s not that they’re giving each other the cold shoulder, they are civil… at most, which looking back at how they used to be is far from ideal, he can see the pained look on Jeno as they awkwardly try to pretend to go back to normal without addressing matters. It gets on everyone’s nerves since they start to hang out in groups during their lunch breaks, but chose not to meddle in. 

One thing they all notice it’s the change in Jaemin and Donghyuck dynamics, they still tease each other, the brown-haired doesn’t stop eating all the sweets and food that he knows Jaemin dislikes just to annoy him and Jaemin complains about it nonstop but there’s an unmistakable fond feeling in between them. Yangyang and Donghyuck even stopped their obviously fake charade, but Renjun is surprised to know that Jaemin believed them, much to Yangyang’s amusement.

(“He asked me five different times why I was dating Donghyuck, totally ignoring my raging feelings about him!” Yangyang complains dramatically and Donghyuck only cackles.

“You don’t have any raging feelings for anyone, maybe a boner,” Donghyuck concedes pinching Yangyang ear

“High school Yangyang couldn’t get over high school Jaemin okay? I’m just following traditions, and you’re right, maybe I have a boner for him but can you blame me? Jaemin is hot.”

“Stop being hung up on Jaemin just because he was your first kiss, Yangyang” Renjun can’t help but roll his eyes.

“Why didn’t I know he was your first kiss, Yang?” Donghyuck looks strangely murderous but Yangyang only laughs as he launches himself to smother him in a hug.)

Renjun doesn't have time to keep pondering about it anymore because when he realizes it's already finals week, occupying all his productive hours with deadlines, studying theory for tests, and having mental breakdowns here and there about failing even when he knows he did well during the whole term to just flunk at the end.

It’s also two weeks away from holidays and Renjun couldn’t wait to have a break and spend festivities with his family, this year was supposed to be spent with his Dad but after carefully thinking about it long and hard they decided it was better for Renjun to fly to China and have a change of scenery even if it was for a short while, having his mother comforting presence after months of not seeing her.

("Are you going back to China?" Yangyang inquires curiously, with a mouthful of food making Gahyeon smack him in the arm promptly making him cough, and scold him for talking with food in his mouth.

Donghyuck nags at her for trying to make Yangyang choke on his food and Jaemin just passes him some napkins. Renjun misses how Jeno freezes and stares at him with wide eyes, his gaze unwavering from Renjun waiting for his answer. 

"First of all, gross," he scrunches his nose in disgust at the mess his cousin is making at the table, "but to answer your question, yes, I miss Mom, and Grandma has been nagging at her for letting me enroll in college here, she said I’ve experienced enough and that I need to go back."

He also misses how Jeno deflates at his words, casting his eyes down, concentrating on his plate, and staying silent the whole meal.

"You’ve always been Grandma's favorite, so unfair," Yangyang glares at him, but Renjun just flicks him on the forehead, "tell auntie I miss her and I will come to visit soon! I miss her cooking.")

* * *

"Don’t leave." 

Those are the first words that come out of Jeno's mouth as Renjun enters his apartment. Jeno convinced Donghyuck in helping him to find a way for Renjun and Jeno to talk in private, far from prying eyes, namely Jaemin and Yangyang, both of them been texting Jeno furiously and daily about when he was going to make up his mind and have the balls to fix things with Renjun.

Jeno would be lying if he said he didn't think about Renjun, if he was completely honest he couldn’t stop thinking about Renjun in every waking moment he had. Now looking at Renjun standing in the middle of their tiny dorm, confused frown adorning his features but still so beautiful, his cheeks were rounder and fuller, rosier, and his recently dyed pink hair made Jeno breathless, he carefully takes his hand and covers it with his. He missed the warmth of Renjun’s hands.

"Jeno?" Renjun sounds confused.

Jeno ignores the voice at the back of his head warning him that maybe this isn't how things are supposed to go, he dragged Renjun here to talk and come clean about the mess swirling in his mind, the confusing feelings, but coherent thoughts don’t cooperate with him and neither does words, he decides to throw all caution the wind and, "we haven't had a chance yet, don’t leave."

Jeno feels spiraling even further when he pulls Renjun even closer and their lips meeting each other's, Renjun's lips are soft, his hand traveling to rest on Jeno's shoulders, he pushes the older gently against the cabinets, and Jeno can feel him trembling slightly moving his hands to fit around Renjun waist, holding him closer to him. 

Every single rational thought flies through the window as he feels Renjun pressing back shyly but reciprocating, Jeno traces Renjun lower lip softly with his tongue asking for permission, but it's when he hears Renjun sigh against his lips softly, kissing him harder, that he deepens their kiss.

Renjun tastes sweet, like himself, sweet, and soft but brings an intensity of emotion in Jeno that makes him feel weak and lightheaded. Jeno breaks the kiss, panting because his heart is hammering against his ribcage almost threatening to burst, but he continues to place butterfly kisses against Renjun jawline, going down to his neck, sweet sounds coming out of his mouth that only drives him further, and reaching where his neck and shoulder meet he kisses harder and sucks slightly, it makes Renjun moan and Jeno wants to keep hearing that sound over and over again. 

Jeno attempts to regain some level headed control, but it's near impossible when he looks at Renjun, who looks even more beautiful after being kissed, pretty, lips red, swollen yet soft, tempting. Jeno wonders how he had been so blind all this time. 

A surge of uncontrollable need shoots through him and leans to press a soft kiss against Renjun lips again, Renjun responds tenderly, Jeno's hand leave his waist to cup his jaw gently, pulling him as close as he can, leaning back slightly to press their foreheads together and look into Renjun's eyes. He looks dazed but so pretty, and before Jeno can let out any words they hear the front door being opened and Donghyuck announcing his arrival with a shrill.

Renjun swallows a squeak before turning to Jeno as if realizing their position just now and pushes him, expression nervous, eyes like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Ren-"

But Renjun is already out of the kitchen, almost running over Donghyuck, _hey! Where are you going?_ Is anything to go by, he groans loudly and runs his hands through his hair messily, Donghyuck doesn't wait too much before entering the kitchen.

"What happened? Why did Renjun run out of here like that?" he asks with an accusing tone, and can Jeno blame him? 

"I fucked up."

"Again?! Jeno!"

"I know, I know okay?! It's just, every time I try to talk my mind just shuts down and now I just, fuck, I just kissed him out of nowhere and didn't have the chance to explain myself before he leaves," he says miserably.

Donghyuck stares at Jeno pityingly, "Well, by the look of it, you will have to wait after the holidays to talk to him again."

"What?"

"Talk to him, after the holidays?"

"Isn’t he leaving for China?" Jeno's voice sounds almost an octave higher and Donghyuck looks at him as if he grew another head.

"Yeah Jeno, for holidays," there’s a pregnant silence between them and Jeno feels even more stupid than before. Donghyuck seems to catch on what's going on, "don't tell you thought he was leaving for good?"

"Yes!" he whines.

"Oh Jeno, you dumb fool."

Jeno is laying down on his bed, chastising himself for being careless and not thinking things through before letting his feelings get the best of him, he had the opportunity to finally come clean to the object of his affections but no, Jeno is still mortified even when Donghyuck reassured him over and over again that _no, Jeno, you didn't fuck up that badly everything will be okay_.

Jeno knew objectively that a few days or even a couple of weeks were nothing, time goes by quickly and he can be a patient person, but he doesn’t seem to calm the consuming need of his heart to have Renjun by his side again, neither does his mind seem to stop thinking about him. He lets out a long sigh before his phone buzzes with an oncoming text, he fumbles to find it in between the mess of his blankets, and when he checks the screen and see the sender of the texts he almost doesn’t want to open them but his hands are quicker than his brain.

Jeno can’t help but smile and the feeling of dread slowly lifting from his shoulders once he realizes who’s texting him.

****

**_jun_ **

_if you're wondering I’m not mad at you_

_also i'm not going anywhere_

_not for good, at least_

_we will talk when i come back_

**_jen_ **

_promise?_

**_jun_ **

_promise_

* * *

The moment Jeno is aware that Renjun is back he doesn't run but calmly speed walks to his dorm room, it hasn’t been that long, Renjun even returned to the dorms earlier than he was planning due to his family going on a trip. They have been texting, keeping each other updated on what they had been doing, and obviously, ignoring the elephant in the room for the time being. Jeno had sent a lot of pictures of his cats to Renjun especially during his stay in his hometown for the festivities and Renjun had done the same. Renjun had been eating lots of the same sweet Jeno once mentioned to him, and when asked about it he had nonchalantly shrugged it off as sudden cravings.

Jeno likes to think it’s because it reminded Renjun of him.

They also facetimed a lot, Jeno got to meet Renjun’s Mom and Grandmother, he tried not to make a fool of himself as he clumsily greeted them in his limited mandarin, Renjun helping him out to convey what he wanted to say most of the time. Renjun’s mother is kind, sweet, and soft-spoken, and Jeno doesn’t fail to notice how much her son is like her, she’s especially sweet to Jeno during the calls, asking him about his health, if he had eaten and one time she burst out laughing as he chokes on air when she says she hopes to meet him soon enough. He isn’t the only one flustered at her words if Renjun's blush is anything to go by. So he is pretty taken aback when the door opens and the first thing he notices is that Renjun's hair is dark again.

"Wow," Jeno fixed his gaze on the smaller "your hair."

"Oh,” Renjun's hand went to his hair, running it through some strands nervously before chuckling, “does it look weird?"

"No, you look just as gorgeous as before."

Jeno is delighted as he watches how Renjun cheeks dust pink and his ears look bright red, the blush looks good on Renjun, it makes him look cuter. Renjun coughs before sitting down avoiding eye contact until he feels less flustered.

Jeno stands in front of Renjun, waiting patiently until he feels comfortable enough to talk to him, it doesn’t take much time though.

"You already know about my feelings," Renjun voices softly, looking into Jeno's eyes "they haven't changed, I feel the same way I did when I first told you about them, maybe more."

He can’t help but feel giddy, crouching down and carefully taking Renjun's hands in between him, rubbing soft circles on the back of them, as he looks at Renjun nervously biting his lower lip he can’t feel but feel his heart bursting in fondness.

“First, I want to say sorry to you for keeping you a secret,” he places a soft kiss on the back of Renjun's hand, knowing he wants to interrupt him but he continues, “I shouldn’t have done that, I hurt you and also, I made you wait.”

Renjun doesn’t avoid his gaze, and Jeno gives one of his hands a comforting squeeze, “by now, you should know but I have to say that so you have no doubts about it."

Jeno disentangles one of his hands and traces Renjun’s cheek with his finger, caressing the soft skin before pushing one strand of hair behind his ear.

“I like you, so much, I was too slow to realize at first,” Renjun seems to be surprised at Jeno’s admittance, mouth parting a bit but no words coming out, “and then I was scared of my own feelings, but I won’t make you wait anymore, that’s if you have me.”

It wasn’t like Jeno didn’t know he was attracted to Renjun, he had always been aware he found Renjun attractive, he was cute, sweet, kind, witty and he loved spending time with him. Jeno liked cute things. But being attracted was one thing, having strong feelings that would make him want to act on them was another, Jeno had been always scared of it. 

Having feelings, nonplatonic, and totally romantic feelings for that one person he was supposed to spend his whole life with because they were fated? It was a terrifying scenario for him. Scared, insecure of the uncertainty, would they be able to work it out? A long-lasting relationship tied by fate, would it be able to survive without leading to make each other miserable some day in the future? 

Would he be able to make his other half happy? 

Finding Renjun, out of everyone, was the one fate that made his feet run cold. Renjun, who deserves nothing but adoration, he deserves so much love, tenderness, and happiness. 

Worse of it all was when he realized in the middle of the surprise, he felt relieved that it was Renjun. He couldn’t ask for anyone better than Renjun and feeling guilty for having an enormous crush on his best friend who returned his affections he wanted to compensate him. Inviting him to anything he could come up to, making sure he was comfortable, happy. At least he seemed to. For Jeno, developing a friendship and nurturing it through the time was as easy as breathing.

Realizing that doing that only led Jeno to cement strong feelings for Renjun made him scared shitless. Literally his number one insecurity becoming reality, so he cowardly avoided his heart, thinking that maybe if he avoided it for enough time it would go away. 

Clearly, it didn’t. 

But he was tired of running away, tired of being scared, living through hurting Renjun even when it was unintentional made him aware that trying to maintain him at arm’s length didn’t extinguish the possibility of not making Renjun miserable. It only amplified it. 

And Jeno wasn’t going to escape his feelings anymore, he wanted to be the one who put a smile on his face, the one who made him laugh, the one to make him breathless. 

He notices how Renjun eyes turn blurry as tears line up on them and Jeno is quick to brush them off delicately before pulling him into a tight embrace, Renjun wraps his hands around Jeno’s waist and buries his face on his neck, and he places tender kisses on his hair.

“I’m your person, and I want to stay by your side as long as you let me.”

He takes a look as Renjun turns to him, his cheeks are wet, the corner of his eyes rimmed red but still shiny, his hair a bit disheveled but to Jeno, he looks perfect. Renjun leans in and doesn’t hesitate to place a soft kiss against his lips, something stirs within Jeno’s heart but he embraces it as he leans back slightly to pepper short kisses on Renjun’s lips, cheeks, and overall face, making him giggle. His cheeks had turned a pretty red, Jeno thinks he’s addicted to it.

Maybe Renjun doesn’t quite believe him yet, the true depth of his feelings for him, but he will make sure to remember Renjun every day and sear those words into his heart.

* * *

A few months had passed, it doesn’t seem like much had changed but Renjun knows best that the big changes are in the simple things

Renjun is finishing washing dishes when he feels a presence behind him, he smiles, amused, thinking about how Jeno always tries to be sneaky to give him jump-scares but he fails to be quiet. He looks up before Jeno can even try to spook him and is greeted with Jeno pulling a face that it’s close to pouting for being caught. He continues doing his chore and is pulled to a back hug by his boyfriend, Renjun secretly revels in the casual display of affection, being held by Jeno. It’s terribly domestic; it could make him cringe any other time but for now, he enjoys it. 

“So I was thinking,” Jeno’s voice sounds slightly muffled as he leaves soft kisses at the back of Renjun’s neck, he nods to let him know he’s listening, “you know how my sister's birthday is this weekend right?” 

Renjun snorts, “Yeah, how can I forget you were going to give her food coupons if I didn’t make an intervention.” 

“That’s besides the point,” Jeno whines, poking at Renjun's side and making him giggle, there’s a moment of silence before he continues, “I was wondering... just if you want okay? No pressure here, I want to take you to my parents’ house this weekend so you can celebrate with us.” 

That makes Renjun stop in his tracks, leaving the dishes forgotten and turning in Jeno’s embrace to look at him. He looks hopeful, but a twinge of nervousness is swimming in his orbs and it makes Renjun nervous too. 

“A-are you sure? I mean, not that I don’t want to!? I love your sister, she’s always so kind to me when you guys facetime–“ 

Jeno cuts him off, placing a searing kiss on his lips, tightening his hold on Renjun waist, he leans back just to start placing soft kisses again on Renjun lips before looking at his eyes. 

“Baby, of course I’m sure,” he gives Renjun a soft smile, his hand now caressing Renjun cheek, “I want my parents to meet you, and see how wonderful you are in person and not through my words only.” 

Renjun can help the blush that takes place on his cheeks at how cheesy Jeno can be if he wants to, biting his lip to prevent from smiling too wide.

“As your boyfriend?” he questions in a whisper. 

“As Renjun, my special person, made just for me, the one I’m in love with.” 

And it’s no wonder, Renjun didn’t stand a chance against Lee Jeno, it’s overwhelming how much he could fall even more for the man in front of him, the one who looks at him like the was the most precious thing in the world, it feels like his chest is going to burst any time. 

“I love you, Jeno.” 

“I love you too, baby” 

He wraps his arms around Jeno's shoulders before leaning to plant a kiss on his mouth, then his cheeks and his favorite spot, the mike under his eye. Renjun has lost count on how many times he had kissed that spot. 

“So, is that a yes to meeting my parents?” 

Renjun can only giggle as he kisses him all over again.


End file.
